


Seraphim Farm

by Silvershrike



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Horse Stable AU, Horseback Riding, I will give warning at the start of the chapter for panic or anxiety attacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Build, show jumping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-03-10 06:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3279434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvershrike/pseuds/Silvershrike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is the owner, head trainer and professional rider of Seraphim Farm.  After a disastrous family situation he has found himself with no help for his four horses, with no clients, no support, and suspicious of everyone (for good reason).</p><p>Dean is a professional groom and (sometimes) pick-up rider.  After his client suddenly decides she wants to quit the horse world he needs to find work elsewhere.  Seraphim Farm seems like an excellent choice.</p><p>I will only be working on this when I'm having writers block on my other story, so it will be incredibly slow going.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still working on my other fic and I will only be working on this when I'm having writers block so new chapters will be sporadic at best.
> 
> I decided to write this because I miss horseback riding SO MUCH. SO much, you have no idea. So there will be a lot of horse terms thrown around in this (probably way more than is necessary or wanted from non-horsey people). The first chapter is just a glossary of general terms, feel free to skip it if you want. If I use anything in particular during a chapter I'll explain it in the notes at the start of the chapter. 
> 
> I also took a lot of liberty with how the horse world actually functions.

Quick glossary of terms used in this work. You can ignore this chapter and jump straight to chapter 2 if you want.

Names:  
Registered names: name registered with a specific breed registry. They follow very careful regulations based on the breed. Often give some indication of the horse's parents/bloodline  
Show names: name that the horse shows under. Can differ from the registered name.  
Barn names: shorter nickname that the horse goes by when at the stable.

Sex:  
Stallion: A male horse that has not been altered (i.e. neutered)  
Mare: A female horse  
Gelding: A male horse that has been altered  
Colt: A young male horse  
Filly: A young female horse  
Foal: a baby horse

Gaits:  
Walk: four beat gait, slowest gait  
Trot: two beat gait. Faster than the walk. In many horses the feet are brought up and forward diagonally (ex: front right and back left will be moving at the same time).  
Canter: three beat gait that is faster than the trot, often used when going over fences  
Gallop: four beat gait, fastest gait a horse has. All four hooves will come off the ground at the same time. 

Posting: A motion in which the rider lifts out of the saddle in time to the trot.

Hunter: A type of English riding in which the horse's confirmation, movement and temperament are judged both over fences and on the flat.  
Jumper: A type of English riding in which the rider guides the horse through a series of jumps as fast as possible without knocking a rail down. The rounds are timed and the horse is faulted if they knock a part of the fence over or refuse to jump.  
Equitation: A type of English riding in which the rider's poise and ability is judged both over fences and on the flat.  
Dressage: A type of English riding in which the horse is judged on how well they execute a specific set of motions. Never over fences.

Grand Prix: Top level jumpers. Fences are higher (around the 5 foot mark) and the course is more difficult.

Standards: Part of the jump that holds the rails up.  
X/crossbar: jump where two rails cross in the middle to make an X shape  
Vertical: jump where the rail is parallel to the ground  
Oxer: a vertical with a higher vertical directly behind it, making the horse have to jump wide in order to clear both

Extension: Asking the horse to lengthen their stride without moving into a different gait  
Collection: Asking the horse to shorten their stride without moving into a different gait

Tack: collection of items the horse is placed in for riding (saddle, bridle, etc.)  
Cross ties: rope or chains that are attached to either side of the aisle, then attaches to the horse's halter to keep them in place while being worked with  
Pick-up rider: (in English riding) A person known as someone who can ride a horse, at random, while at a show. Not necessarily associated with any particular stable. May be asked to ride a horse in a class last minute for schooling or other purposes. There is a different meaning in Western riding.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half-Pass: The horse moves sideways across the arena, while keeping its body facing straight. The legs cross in front of each other. Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKB3wX_mMI0
> 
> Leg up: someone on the ground helping to lift the rider into the saddle
> 
> Pacing poles: Used in jumping, poles set 9 feet in front of and behind a jump. Used to help a nervous horse focus and pace out their stride to a fence.

Bobby shook his head, “Dean you know I’d hire you if I could, but I just don’t have the space.”

 

Dean sighed, “That’s what I figured, Bobby,” he ran a hand through his hair, “I’ll probably head up north, then, heard that a trainer up in Illinois is hiring.”

 

“Now wait a moment, I may not have space for you but I do know someone who’s looking...” Bobby hesitated and Dean felt his glimmer of hope sparking out.

 

Dean was about to ask if the person Bobby was going to suggest was one of those pain in the ass clients who thought they were the best rider in the world and whose horse ended up doing all the actual work when Bobby spoke, “He’s actually an old family friend.  He’s been through a rough patch lately and hasn’t been able to keep anyone on but... he’s fair, and I trust him to treat you properly.”

 

Dean frowned, he’d known Bobby for a long time and couldn’t think of anyone like he was describing, “Do I know who this is?”

 

Bobby shook his head, “No, though you’ll probably recognize the stable name, Seraphim Farm?”

 

Dean started, “Wait, like Seraphim Farm’s Twisted Shadows? And Star Shadow?”

 

Bobby nodded, “Those would be them.”

 

“Huh, I haven’t seen them around lately,” he thought back and remembered a big, rangy grey, dark and spotted with dapples and a pinto warmblood, though he couldn’t remember which horse was which.  Both had been very good in the jumper ring.  He couldn’t remember any hunters that belonged to the farm but he didn’t watch the hunter rings as often, preferring the speed and height of the jumper ring.

 

Bobby shook his head, “Been some bad blood at the stable, but it’s cleared out now.   Cas, Castiel Novak, the owner and primary trainer, is the one looking for help.  He’s got good horses, and he’s a good person, just been rough for him lately.”

 

Dean thought about it for a moment.  Seraphim Farm wasn’t far.  He would be able to stay near Bobby, and Sam’s firm for that matter.  From his dim memories of the horses they had looked healthy and had always done well, often placing in ribbons.  He couldn’t ever remember the rider, but then he rarely remembered riders unless he was working with them.

 

He shrugged, “Sure, give me the address.”

 

**\--**

 

Dean took his time admiring the property as he drove down the small road at the entrance of the farm the following morning.  He had almost missed it, only barely spotting the small wooden sign with “Seraphim Farm” and an address etched in.  The driveway was longer than he expected, a line of trees hemmed in by white fence bordering it.  Everything looked clean and well-kept and Dean’s heart soared.  He came to a large barn painted in subdued colors, one of the two doors open to admit the slight breeze.  There was a large two story house, mansion really, set far back, painted in similar colors to the barn.

 

Dean could also see the edge of one ring peeking out from behind the barn as movement caught his eye, a large grey horse moving at a brisk trot, a rider posting along.  Dean saw fenced in fields behind the ring, a dressage ring to his left, and a large arena next to it with brightly painted fences set up.  Everything was beautiful and, except for the single rider he had seen, incredibly quiet.  

 

He parked in front of the stable and walked toward the open barn door.  A door marked “Office” was to his right and he knocked a few times but didn’t get an answer.  He decided to continue, thinking to ask the rider where Castiel was.  The stable was also quiet.  Dean passed empty stall after empty stall.  He finally got to an open door, “Twisted Shadows” on the doorplate.  Either the Grand Prix horse was at a show or that was the large grey in the arena out back.  

 

Directly next to the open stall was a striking bay horse who eyed him then went back to munching on the hay, unconcerned.  The doorplate read “Love Song of St. Sebastian”.  Maybe everyone was away at a show or a clinic and a few people hadn’t gone?  Bobby hadn’t mentioned it but it was the only thing that made sense to Dean as he continued down the aisle, passing even more empty stalls.  He finally found two more occupied stalls.  “Star Shadow” on one door and “Lost Constellation” on the other.  He was pretty sure that Star Shadow was the pinto that he remembered in the jumper ring.  The horse eyed him as well, but didn’t seem worried at his presence.

 

The other horse was a lovely grey who pushed its nose against the bars of its stall in hello.  Dean rubbed its soft nose and said, “Where is everyone little love?”

 

The horse huffed at him in answer and Dean grinned, giving it one last pat on the nose before turning to continue down the aisle towards the open doors and the arena where the rider was working the large grey.

 

As he came out of the stable and got a better look at the grey he was pretty sure it was the stallion he remembered from the jumper ring, a slim rider on him.  The rider’s back was straight, and he was guiding the grey through a half-pass, his back to Dean.  The horse was executing the movement beautifully.  Dean couldn’t tell who was riding and he didn’t see anyone else around.  The entire place was so weirdly quiet.  Even the smaller stables usually had more movement than this.  Trainers yelling, horses being warmed up or settled down, people watching the horses being worked.  There was no one around besides the single horse and rider.  It was almost eerie.

 

He walked up to the fence, propping one boot on the railing and leaning over to watch.  The horse and rider were good, obviously well used to each other and working as a team.  They swung around the far end of the arena and started towards Dean, keeping the collected trot and moving through a half-pass in the opposite direction.  The rider’s eyes were shadowed by his helmet but Dean saw them flick his way for a moment, then back to concentrating.  A light color, green or blue or maybe hazel.  He didn’t recognize the rider, but it was rare he would unless he had worked with them before.

 

The rider continued working with the horse, ignoring Dean completely.  Moving through extensions and collections, circles and flying lead changes.  Finally he brought the horse to a walk and let the reins out.  The grey stretched his neck down, relaxing into a free, open stride, barely breathing hard.  When they reached Dean the rider halted the horse and looked Dean up and down.  Dean could now see that his eyes were a startling shade of blue and he did not look happy.  The man took his helmet off to reveal dark brown hair, contrasting with the blue of his eyes.  A 5 o’clock shadow highlighted his jaw and cheekbones.  Dean felt a jolt in his stomach now that he could see the man’s face.  He was incredibly attractive, despite the scowl.

 

The rider spoke without preamble, “Who are you and what are you doing on this property?” his voice was deep and it sounded as though it had been dragged over gravel and Dean sucked in a breath at it.  Then he realized what the man had said.

 

He took a deep breath and let it out, forcing himself to relax.  With everyone at a show or clinic it wasn’t surprising that the man would be confused about why someone uninvited was on the property, maybe even worried for his or his horse’s safety.

 

Dean kept his voice calm, not wanting to worry the rider more, “My name is Dean Winchester.  I’m looking to speak with Castiel Novak.  Do you know where I might find him?”

 

The man’s blue eyes narrowed, “Why are you looking for Castiel?” his voice hadn’t lost any of its suspicion.

 

Dean willed himself to not get angry, it would not be good to piss off a rider before he even had the job, “A friend told me that he’s looking for some stable help.  I came to apply for the job.”

 

The man’s eyebrows drew together, “Help me set up my jumps, please.”

 

Dean started, “What?”

 

The man motioned towards the arena with a hand, reaching up to put his helmet back on, “The jumps, standards and cups are in place, I just need the rails up for those two.”

 

“Okay…” Dean scratched at the back of his neck.  Apparently Castiel had some really weird riders.

 

**\--**

 

The man and the grey horse worked for another 40 minutes.  Nothing difficult.  The two jumps were small, tiny really.  The grey barely had to step over them.  Though if this was Twisted Shadows, like Dean suspected, then a horse used to jumping fences that were near 5 feet on a regular basis didn’t have to look twice at these fences.  The rider wasn’t pushing the horse, just asking for different collections, jumping one fence at a collected canter, then asking the horse to stretch out to the next fence or vice versa, coming at the fences from odd angles.

 

Dean was used to offering advice or chatting a little, but he kept his mouth shut, on unsure footing with this rider.  The man didn’t seem to mind, focusing completely on the task at hand.  The team worked just as well over fences as on the ground and Dean only had to pick up one dropped rail after the rider found a difficult distance and the horse tapped it.  Jumper cups were incredibly unforgiving.

 

The rider slowed to a trot, going halfway around the arena, then to a walk, letting out the reins and allowing the horse to stretch his neck down again.  He patted the horse enthusiastically, moving his feet from the stirrups to let them dangle.  It was the most relaxed Dean had seen the man so far.  Maybe he was just super focused when he rode and that was why he had been so rude.

 

Dean dropped the rails, setting them to the side where he had found them.  The man let the horse walk to cool down, ignoring Dean completely and seeming to enjoy the quiet time with the stallion.  Dean let him enjoy it, not interrupting and instead taking the time to check either side of the jumps, moving his foot through the dirt to even it out a little, though there wasn’t heavy disturbance.  

 

The man stopped the horse a few feet away from Dean, “Would you mind coming with me, please?”

 

Dean nodded and followed as they walked toward the stable.  The horse was relaxed, ears flicking around and eyes bright.  When they got to the doors of the stable the man dismounted, running his stirrups up and bringing the reins over the horse’s head.  He barely glanced at Dean as they walked into the stable.  They got to the stall with “Twisted Shadows” on the door and the man reached over to grab the halter hanging on the stall, switching out the bridle and grabbing crossties.  Dean felt useless standing around so he moved to the horse’s side to undo the girth. The man glanced up at the movement and his mouth twitched slightly, though Dean couldn’t read his face.

 

Dean moved around the back of the horse, touching him lightly on the rump to let the grey know where he was and took the girth off completely, placing it over the saddle and lifting the saddle and pads off the horse’s back.  He stood holding the saddle and looked at the man, who pointed him towards a saddle holder.

 

The man raised a dark eyebrow after Dean placed the saddle on the rack, “If you’re good with Sparks, I have one more horse to ride.”

 

Dean shrugged, “I would really like to speak with Castiel, but I can take care of Sparks,” he patted the large grey on the neck, “Where are his things?”

 

The man pointed towards a trunk then turned on his heel.  Dean shrugged again, and started rifling through the tack trunk for towels and brushes.  The horse was a dream to work with, standing relaxed and calm as Dean worked around him, moving when Dean touched his side and clicked his tongue, and picking his feet up easily.  Dean kept up a steady stream of random conversation and Sparks flicked his ears, listening.  As Dean worked the man led Lost Constellation out of the stall further down the aisle.  Dean saw now that she was a mare, and likely young with how dark her grey coat was.  She was already pretty clean, but the man seemed to be stalling, taking his time, giving her a full brush and tacking her leisurely.

 

Running the soft brush over Sparks one last time Dean put everything away then grabbed the lead rope, “Sparks is good to go, just in his stall?” the man nodded and Dean led Sparks into his stall.  The stallion stood quietly while Dean pulled the halter off then nosed into his water dish.  

 

Dean closed the stall door behind him after giving Sparks one last pat, “He’s very well behaved for a stallion.  I saw him compete a few years ago in a Grand Prix, won his class, beautiful course.”

 

The man’s lips twitched again and Dean was pretty sure it was the start of a smile this time, “We’re old friends, he’s a fantastic horse, we’re lucky to have him,” the man finished bridling the mare, “Follow me out?  It’s a jumping day for Connie and I could use some help with the fences.”

 

Dean snorted, and Connie flicked her ears forward at the sound.  He had a guess at who this man was.  He gestured toward the exit, “After you.”

 

Connie, it turned out, was a hunter.  The man paced out two long lines on each side of the arena, handing Connie to Dean while he did so.  The fences weren’t large, just under two feet, but each fence had a pacing pole on either side.

 

Dean glanced at Connie, “Bit green, darlin’?”  Connie nuzzled his side and he grinned, pulling lightly on her forelock.

 

The rider stalked over to Dean, who flipped the reins over Connie’s head and pulled the stirrups down.  The rider glanced at him and Dean cupped his palms, “Leg up?”

 

The man huffed and took it, muttering, “Thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome, Castiel.”

 

Connie took a few quick, sideways steps and threw her head up in surprise at Castiel’s sudden tenseness, “How do you know who I am?”

 

Dean shrugged, “Took a guess, no trainer would allow just _anyone_ to school his Grand Prix horse.”

 

Castiel stared at him, eyes narrowing and Dean raised his hands in the air, “I’ll just call you dude or something.”

 

Castiel shook his head and turned Connie away, muttering under his breath.

 

**\--**

 

Connie was indeed green and Dean found himself fixing more poles than he had with Sparks.  Castiel started with a warm up then some balancing exercises, though it was obvious she wasn’t as experienced as Sparks and Castiel had to guide her through the movements.  She had a beautiful floating stride and Dean found himself watching in appreciation.  After the warm up Castiel started her over fences and, sure enough, she rushed them, obviously nervous.  Castiel let her work it out, riding quietly and supporting her.  After a few rounds Connie relaxed enough that Castiel had Dean roll the pacing polls out of the way and took to halting after each line.  He finally finished when he was able to keep Connie going at a consistent pace down both lines, turning the corner before halting.

 

Castiel brought the mare to a walk, letting the reins out and rubbing Connie on the shoulder.  Dean pulled a mint out of his pocket, he always carried a handful of mints, and when Castiel and Connie came around the corner Dean held it up, “May I?”

 

A grin came to Castiel’s face before dropping quickly and he nodded, face grim.  Dean offered the mint to Connie, hand flat.  She gently took the mint, crunching it quickly, then nuzzled his palm, looking for more.  

 

Dean laughed, “Sorry love, only one,” he whispered a few more words of praise to her, scratching her neck, and she dropped her head into his chest.  He brought his eyes up to find Castiel staring at him, confusion on his face.

 

Dean shrugged, “She did a good job, I think that deserves a mint.”

 

Castiel continued staring then nodded.  Dean stepped away and Castiel nudged Connie back to walking.  While Connie and Castiel walked around the arena, cooling down, Dean pulled the jumps down, dropping the rails to the side and dragging the standards to the middle of the arena.  He then walked the arena, clearing away spots that had become packed and looking for any clumps.

 

By the time he was done Castiel was already back in the barn with Connie.  Dean followed him in to find Castiel bent over, pulling the boots off her legs.   _That man_ , Dean thought, _has a damn fine ass_.  It didn’t help that he was in breeches and tall boots, accenting his strong calves and thighs.  Connie nickered at him and Castiel glanced around, spotting Dean.  Dean quickly averted his eyes from Castiel’s ass, grinning at Connie bobbing her head at him.  

 

Dean moved forward and rubbed her cheek in greeting, “Hi, lovely, you looked good out there.”

 

He reached down to take off her other boot, checking her leg and hoof as he did so.  Though she had knocked herself a few times on the rails, her legs looked healthy.  Between the two of them they had Connie clean and back in her stall quickly.

 

Dean looked to Castiel, unsure what else he might want.  Castiel crooked a finger at Dean and turned on his heel, leading Dean to the office he had seen when he first walked through.  Castiel moved to stand behind the desk, placing his fingertips on the desktop and giving Dean a dark look.

 

Dean just raised both eyebrows at him, and crossed his arms, waiting for the question.  When it came it was not what he expected, “Okay, who are you and what are you doing on my property?”

 

Dean knew he looked confused, “Um, I told you, my name is Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer pointed me your way, said you needed some barn help.  Sorry if I startled you, Bobby didn’t say that everyone was at a show.”

 

“I don’t believe you,” Castiel’s voice was flat, angry, “you did well with the horses today, at least Zachariah learned a little from his last mistake.”

 

Dean shook his head, “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

Castiel’s face went even darker with anger and frustration, body tense, “Look, I don’t know who you are or how Zachariah talked you into this ruse, but you need to leave my property.  Zachariah is aware of the specifications in the will.  Sparks belongs to me.”

 

Dean felt as frustrated as Castiel looked, “Look, man, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he repeated, “I don’t know any ‘Zachariah’, whatever kind of name that is anyway,” Castiel snorted and Dean rolled his eyes.  He continued in a slow voice, hoping that if he repeated himself, _yet again_ , it would get through the man’s thick skull, “Seriously, my friend, _Bobby Singer,_ told me that you were looking for a groom and stable manager.  He thought I would be good for the job.”

 

Castiel’s face was thunderous and he opened his mouth to say something, Dean raised his hand, cutting the man off, “Just call him, Jesus.  Ain’t that difficult to figure out that I am who I say I am.”

 

Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean, then stiffly reached over to pick up the phone on his desk.  He punched in what Dean assumed was Bobby’s number and waited while the phone rang.  

 

Dean heard Bobby’s muffled voice come over the line in greeting and Castiel turned away slightly as he said, “Mr. Singer?  It’s Castiel Novak.  I have a man here named Dean Winchester who said that you sent him my way.”

 

Dean grinned as the conversation went on longer and Castiel deflated, saying, “I see, sir.  Would you mind describing him?” _and whoa, that was weird,_ Dean thought.

 

When Castiel glanced at him Dean cleared his face to a neutral expression.  Castiel continued his conversation, “Of course, sir.  I’m sure you understand my hesitance and my reasons for checking. Thank you for thinking of us... of me.” A pause while Bobby said something then, “Of course, sometime soon.  Goodbye.”

 

Castiel hung up the phone, keeping his body turned away from Dean, hand resting lightly on the phone.  The completely unwanted thought that Castiel had really nice hands filtered into Dean’s brain before the man turned back towards him.

 

“Look, Mr. Singer gave you the highest recommendation, said you are one of the best and that if he wasn’t already full up he would have hired you in a heartbeat.  But there are some things you need to understand,” Castiel waited until Dean nodded then continued, “It’s just Sparks, the gelding, and the two mares.  I’m the only rider.  I would rather not explain why, at the moment.  I’m looking for someone to have them ready to go when I am, manage the stable, take care of feedings and turnouts, and calling the vet or farrier when needed.  As far as shows go, my employee would need to be able to come up with a schedule, something that is not too heavy for me or my horses, be able to handle transportation to the shows, grooming and braiding, whatever else I need, including warm up.”

 

Dean uncrossed his arms, jokingly saying, “Sounds like you got no one else workin’ for you.”

 

Cas didn’t even crack a smile, “I don’t.  You would be the only employee.  You’d get room and board and a stipend, I have quite a few rooms available in the main house.  I’d pay for the hotel room while travelling as well.”

 

Dean looked at him, stunned, “You mean I’d be by myself?”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow, “It’s only four horses.  If you’re as good as Mr. Singer says you are I don’t think that would be a problem.”

 

Dean’s face hardened, “It’s not a problem,” and Dean knew it wouldn’t be, but that meant that the only other person on the property would be Castiel and with the conversations that Dean had had with the man so far he was not looking forward to that, “Do you normally take all four to the shows?  If not I’ll need to find someone to stay here while we’re travelling.”

 

Castiel waved a hand in the air, “I do not normally take all four.  Connie is young, obviously, so I only take her to a few of the shows to get her used to the environment, and Shade, Star Shadow, is pregnant at the moment.  Sparks and Seb, the gelding, are the only two that’ll travel regularly.  Mr. Singer normally has someone who will stay at the house while I’m away.  I am sure you can work something out with him.”

 

Dean nodded, unsure what else to say.  He thought he might have just been hired, but Castiel hadn’t ever said those exact words.  Castiel wasn’t helping either, just staring at him absently.  Finally Dean sighed and asked, “Can I have the horses’ records then?  And a schedule for you and them? Oh, and maybe a map or something?”

 

Castiel blinked at him and Dean grinned, this was going to be interesting.

 

**\--**

 

Castiel gave him a quick tour of the stable.  It was quite large, made up of an indoor ring, lined down both sides with stalls.  There were two tack rooms on each side and a feed room filled with different types of grain.  There were multiple turnout fields, and Castiel pointed out where the horses went.  Dean was glad to see that even though Sparks was a stallion Castiel didn’t have him separated from the other horses.  Stallions could become difficult to deal with when not given proper socialization. The stable itself was obviously well kept, though Dean noticed some dusty corners and an almost empty tack room that held a few moldering pieces of tack that might be salvageable.  After the tour was over Castiel stiffly excused himself, motioning up to the house.

 

Dean looked over the schedule for the horses and Castiel, easy enough, nothing out of the ordinary.  All of the horses were due for turnout, so he booted them and led them out.  The two mares went out together with Sparks and the gelding a field away.  They all led easily, obviously well trained.  Dean was happy for it, he had worked with some difficult stallions in the past.

 

As soon as the horses were out Dean started cleaning.  He wiped down the tack for Sparks and Connie, getting used to the placement of everything.  He threw the sweaty saddle pads into the washing machine, then started sweeping the dusty corners and the shavings that had gotten into the aisle, making sure to get the few cobwebs hanging around.  Castiel hadn’t made a reappearance so Dean turned on the dusty radio he found, flipping it to a classic rock station.  As Dean sang along, he felt his spirits lift.  Yes, Castiel would be a pain to work with, but the horses were fantastic, the stable was beautiful, and things were looking up.

 

Once the aisle was spotless Dean switched the laundry and set to work rearranging the tack boxes.  Since he would be the one in charge of readying the horses he wanted everything arranged the way he liked it, understandable and organized.  He also took a closer look at the tack sitting in the obviously unused tack room.  The bridle was practically falling apart, so he tossed that.  The saddle, however, might be workable.  He took it out into the sunshine to get a better look at it, smiling as he watched Sparks and Seb play a game of tag while Connie and Shade grazed, ignoring the boys’ antics.

 

Sure enough, the saddle looked like it could be brought back to life with some attention.  He couldn’t find everything he would need, so he used saddle soap and a clean brush to get the worst of the mold off so he could get a better look at the saddle, which was quite an expensive one, to his surprise.  As he continued cleaning he zoned out, enjoying the sunshine and the music on the radio.  

 

He nearly spilled the bucket of water he was using when he heard Castiel say, “What are you doing?”

 

He twisted to see the man standing not five feet away, “Dude, a little warning next time?” Castiel just looked at him, an eyebrow raised so Dean sighed and explained, “I found this saddle sitting in that back tack room.  Figured it would come back to life with a little love.”

 

Castiel continued to look at him, then hummed, “It belonged to an old client who will have no interest in it any longer.  I fail to see the need to clean it.”

 

Dean looked down in surprise at the saddle, then snorted, “Well, I’ll clean it anyway, if that’s okay with you.”

 

Castiel waved a hand in the air, “It’s fine.  I am going to the grocery store.  Do you need anything?”

 

“Cereal, milk, eggs, bread, vinegar, and sandwich stuff, whatever you normally have for dinner is fine.  I don’t have dietary restrictions, so I’m good.”

 

Castiel was staring at him again and Dean realized just how blue the man’s eyes were, and how good he looked in loose jeans and a t-shirt, which emphasized the long line of his torso and his surprisingly strong arms.  He must have showered because his hair was still damp and mussed.  Dean couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what it looked like after sex and if he maybe smelled as good as he looked. _Okay, that kind of thinking needs to stop_ he thought.  He had fallen into bed with some of the riders, but never any he worked for.  He’d seen too many examples of how that ended in disaster.

 

Finally Castiel spoke, “Why vinegar?”

 

The question was so out of the blue that Dean just looked at him for a moment, waiting for his brain to catch up, then said, “Oh, it’s good for cleaning, not as harsh as bleach.  Regular white, though if you want to pick up apple cider vinegar, that has its uses too.”

 

Castiel was staring again.  Dean felt tingles under his skin and he shifted, uncomfortable with the scrutiny.  Castiel seemed to snap out of it at the motion and nodded once before turning on his heel, stalking away and entering the barn.  Dean heard a car start and muttered, “Okay, thanks?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was in trouble.  So, **so** much trouble.  When he had thought Dean was sent by Zachariah it had been easy to ignore the man’s green eyes and bow legs and strong back and _freckles_ of all things.  He had been surprised that even though Zachariah had considered his sexuality a perversion he had somehow gotten Castiel’s type down perfect.  Everyone else that Zachariah had sent had been a woman, attractive in the conventional sense, but not anyone Castiel was interested in.  They hadn’t even known what to do around horses, seeming more afraid than anything.

 

Then Dean had handled Sparks with an easy familiarity, hands checking legs and hooves, getting Sparks’s coat to shine.  And Sparks had relaxed under his touch, seeming to enjoy the man’s low murmuring that Castiel was pretty sure he wasn’t even doing on purpose.  Then with Connie, that easy smile that had come to his face when she had dropped her head and nuzzled him.  His obvious pleasure at her affection.  Castiel had been thrown off balance, had felt himself relaxing and responding to Dean’s enthusiasm.  It had been so long since he had been around someone else who appreciated his horses.  Now that he knew Dean was actually for real he was in so much trouble.

 

He threw another pack of lunch meat into the already stuffed grocery cart.  He hadn’t had anyone else living in the house with him for a long time.  He hadn’t needed to have real food in the house, had practically lived off of rice and oatmeal and eggs.  It was pathetic really.  He was embarrassed at the amount of stuff he would have to get to make the kitchen somewhat livable again.  Hopefully Dean wouldn’t notice.

 

He knew he was awkward, especially around people he found attractive.  And he found Dean incredibly attractive.  Some people from his past hadn’t minded it, Balthazar had even liked it.  There was a reason, however, that his father and his brother, Michael, were usually the ones that interacted with clients.  He had no idea how he was going to work with Dean.  He needed the help though.  With Shade pregnant and the show season starting for him he needed someone he could trust with the horses and to know what they were doing on the road.  Bobby had said Dean was experienced with horses and shows.  Had mentioned he was a pretty good rider as well.

 

Castiel had taken his time in the shower, pondering the best way to handle this.  He trusted Bobby’s opinion.  The man hated Zachariah just as much as Castiel did, after all.  He had been somewhat hopeful that Dean would have just left when he had found out all the work that Castiel required from him, but the man had just grinned and seemed happy.  Castiel hadn’t come up with a solution until he had walked out to find his barn spotless, his horses romping in the sun and Dean smiling at them while cleaning a disgustingly dirty saddle.  He had taken a moment to just appreciate the view.  The sun in his hair made it appear lighter, almost blonde.  He had the sleeves of his flannel shirt rolled up to show off strong, tanned forearms and he was quietly singing along to a song that was floating out from the barn.

 

He knew then that he wasn’t going to kick Dean off his property.  He also knew that he was going to have to tell Dean his reasons for being so suspicious, if nothing else than for the safety of the horses and Dean himself.  And wasn’t that just going to be a wonderful conversation.  Castiel stared morosely down at the cart.  He was pretty sure he had enough stuff to last at least the week.  He added some ground beef at the last minute.  Maybe they could have a cookout or something.  Invite Bobby.

  
He sighed and moved to the checkout.  He had spent enough time hiding out in the grocery store.  It was time to get back home and face Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine Twisted Shadows (Sparks) to look something like Ringwood Magistar: http://www.threedaysthreewaysblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Ringwood-Magister.jpg
> 
> and Lost Constellation (Connie) to look like a horse named Volverine La Tuilerie by Mylord Carthago: http://www.elevage-pension-63.weonea.com/fichiers/0888522001363444036.jpg
> 
> If you have any questions about horsey stuff, let me know!
> 
> ALSO: NEVER NEVER NEVER take your helmet off when riding a horse. NEVER, I don't care if your horse is 30 years old and can barely walk. Don't do it. Also, don't ride alone. Cas makes both of these mistakes and I'd yell at people for doing this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is ALL exposition and I apologize. I'm having crazy writer's block on my other story for various reasons and things kept getting stuck in my head for this story. UGH.
> 
> Has not been proof-read because I'm exhausted from some nasty insomnia.
> 
> Quick warning: (past) death of family in this chapter.
> 
> Also, Winchesters are alive because I like them alive and Sam and Jess are together because they are super cute together.

 

Cas still hadn’t returned by the time the horses were scheduled to come back in.  Dean managed to catch all of them easily, checking hooves and running a brush over their coats, then getting them all back in their stalls.  He checked the water dispensers, mixed their grain and threw them their hay based on the instructions Cas had given him.  After they were all settled in their stalls Dean stood with his hands on his hips, just taking in the quiet stable as the horses munched on their food.  He inhaled, savoring the smell of horses and leather and grinning.  He thought he could be happy here, depending on Cas.  There was an alarm system in the stable, but Cas hadn’t told him the code, so Dean just shut the main doors and left them for now.

 

He figured he could take a look around the house while Cas was out, maybe find a room to call his own.  He made his way up to a side door of the house, hefting his duffle higher on his shoulder as he walked.  He hesitated at the door, the house was quiet and had a closed-up feeling to it.  Cas had given him keys before he had left, both to the house and to the stable office, tack rooms and feed room, but Dean still felt weird about just bursting into the house.  He finally shook it off, He was going to live here too, and he may as well get comfortable.  

 

He opened the door and felt around for a light switch.  When the light flared to life he looked around, pleasantly surprised.  From Cas’s attitude he was expecting a bare house with minimal furnishings.  Instead he was greeted with a small mud room that led into a cozy looking sitting room in warm colors.  Overstuffed chairs and a couch faced a fireplace and framed family photos and images of jumping horses were on the wall.

 

“Huh,” Dean said, toeing off his shoes at the door.  On socked feet he walked down the hall, poking his head into different rooms.  He came to something that looked like an office first, bookshelves full of well-worn books and a large wooden desk with a computer in the middle of the room.  The dining room was also well furnished, with a modern wood table taking up the majority of the room, chairs surrounding it.  Dean could imagine large family dinners taking place there.  He wandered through the dining room, trailing his fingers over the back of a chair to find a kitchen all the way in the back.  The kitchen was surprisingly sparse and clean, not even a dirty bowl or cup in the sink.  There was a smaller table here too, obviously for everyday use.  Dean huffed, Cas _would_ be a neat freak.

 

He made his way back to the front of the house, passing a small bathroom he had missed the first time and finally finding a front sitting room, more formally furnished than the other sitting room.  He moved up the stairs, listening to the light creaking with each step.  He grinned, it reminded him of his house growing up.  At the top of the stairs he was faced with a hallway of doors, most open.  He turned to the right first, finding two bedrooms, both the same size, and a full bathroom.  The bedrooms each had a full bed, with matching nightstand and dresser, and a closet empty of all but some folded sheets.  The bathroom was clean but completely empty of any personal items.  Dean raised his eyebrow.  Cas wasn’t kidding when he had said it was just him at the house.

 

Dean sat on each of the beds, finally deciding to take the corner room, it had the most windows, after all.  He poked his head out the door and looked back down the hallway.  There were two closed doors there and one open one.  In a fit of curiosity he walked down the hallway.  The open door was another unused bedroom and he curiously opened the small door directly across the hall from it, finding a linen closet with carefully folded sheets that gave off a clean smell.  He eyed the last closed door.  He wasn’t going to touch that one, not wanting to intrude on what he guessed was his new boss’ room.

 

Walking back down the hallway he entered the room he had selected and started unpacking, humming as he did so.  He made the bed with linens from the closet.  They smelled clean and fresh and Dean wondered when they were last cleaned.  Bed made, he placed the picture of his family, Mom holding a baby Sammy, Dad standing behind her and looking proud, and himself with a goofy grin, on the nightstand.

 

He stepped back and took a look at the room, he would be comfortable here.  He’d stop by Sam’s place and pick up the rest of his things tomorrow.  He heard a door open and shuffling downstairs and he braced himself.  He’d have to face Castiel eventually.  He moved to the top of the stairs and heard the other man muttering, either to himself or on the phone, Dean wasn’t sure.  He heard the door close again, then silence.  Dean took tentative steps downstairs and saw bags sitting just inside the front door.  Castiel had obviously gone outside to get more bags.  How many things did the man need?

 

Dean went the rest of the way downstairs and grabbed the bags, bringing them into the kitchen.  He wasn’t sure where things went, so he just started emptying things onto the counter, putting cold items away as he went.  Cas seemed to have purchased enough food for a small army and Dean was confused.  Until he started putting food away and realized that there was almost no food in the house.  What did the man do, live off of take out?

 

He heard the door open again and Castiel pause inside the door.  He forced himself to relax when he felt his shoulders immediately tense, He was going to make the best of this. He heard slow steps coming towards him and stayed focused on pulling things out of bags and placing them on countertops.  He heard the steps stop and he looked back to see Castiel standing in the doorway, arms full of more bags.

 

“Hey, Cas, can I help you with those?”

 

Castiel looked down at the bags he was holding, as if he had forgotten they were there, he took a small step forward then glanced around the kitchen at the food scattered on the counter.  

 

Dean rubbed at the back of his neck, “Sorry, I, ah, wasn’t sure where everything went.”

 

Cas shrugged, moving further into the kitchen, “I fear that is my fault for not giving you a proper tour.”

 

Dean grinned “Well, this is the kitchen, obviously, and I’ve already claimed an empty room upstairs, but a tour of the rest of the house would be good.”

 

Castiel nodded, “After dinner, then.”

 

They moved around the kitchen, Cas pointing out where things went and where Dean could find silverware, plates and cups.  Dean noticed that the other man was tense, shoulders pulled up and arms held close to his body, obviously unused to someone else in his space.  Dean kept the conversation light.  He carefully didn’t mention the former emptiness of the kitchen, or the closed-up feeling of the house, but Cas wasn’t relaxing.  Dean wasn’t sure if it was him in particular, or just that there was suddenly another person in Cas’s space that was causing the tenseness.

 

After the groceries were put away, Cas put a large pot of water on the stove, then turned to Dean, “Pasta and chicken okay?”

 

Dean nodded, “Yeah, that sounds good, Cas.  Need help?”

 

Cas frowned, then shook his head, “I should be okay,” he turned to the fridge, pulling out a package of chicken.

 

Dean shrugged then took a seat at the table in the kitchen, unsure what to do.  He felt weird about leaving Cas on his own, but now that groceries were away he wasn’t sure what to talk about.  An awkward silence came over the kitchen and Dean started fiddling with his shirt sleeve, realizing suddenly that he was still in his clothes from the stable.

 

He cleared his throat, glad for a chance to make an escape, “Hey, Cas, I should probably, ah, shower before dinner,” he hesitated when he heard a clatter from Cas’s direction, “are you sure you’re okay with making dinner by yourself?”

 

Cas cleared his throat, not turning around, “I should have everything ready in an hour or so.  Take your time.”

 

Dean hesitated for a moment more than stood up and walked out of the kitchen, throwing one last look at Cas’s back.

 

* * *

 

 

After Dean left the kitchen Cas just took a moment to breathe, leaning against the counter.  He wasn’t used to people in his home anymore.  It had been so quiet.  Now there were noises, movement.  The house felt weirdly alive again.  Cas had half expected Dean to not be there.  But when he had come in the door the light had been on.  Cas heard the water turn on upstairs, long unused pipes groaning to life.  A sudden thought entered his head, Dean naked, under the stream of water, steam billowing around him.  Cas thought about tracing the path of the water with his fingertips, maybe following with his mouth.  He wondered what Dean would taste like.

 

Cas sighed and hit the piece of chicken a little harder.  He needed to stop thinking about his employee.  He really did.  He was opening himself up to all kinds of trouble.  Dean came highly recommended by Bobby, he obviously had experiences and the horses seemed to be relaxed around him.  Cas did not need to scare him away.  He blamed his errant thoughts on his lack of any sort of love life recently.  Balthazar had called a few weeks ago, had left a message offering to take him out.  They hadn’t seen each other since that day, and Cas hadn’t called Balthazar back.  Hadn’t known what he would say to the man.  They had been close, once.  Had shared a bed every once in awhile when they were lonely or bored.  Nothing had ever been serious.  Cas thought for a moment about calling Bal back.  The oven beeped pulling him out of his thoughts.  He shook his head and grabbed the seasoning for the chicken, rubbing it into the meat.  He wouldn’t call Bal back, there was no reason.  He needed to focus on getting back into showing right now, not on getting laid.

 

**\--**

 

Forty minutes later and Cas was tossing the lemon, herbs and pasta together.  The broccoli was already on the table.  He started when he heard Dean say, “Whoa, Cas, looks good.”

 

Cas cleared his throat, he had gotten into a rhythm while cooking, chopping vegetables and chicken and mixing the sauce.  He had almost forgotten that there was someone else in the house.  Cas heard movement behind him and turned to see Dean placing the plates around the small table in the kitchen.  Cas had put everything that would be needed out, plates, napkins, and silverware, but hadn’t gotten around to setting the table yet.  Dean finished placing everything properly then turned to the fridge.

 

“Something to drink, Cas?” Dean said, hand resting on the fridge handle.

 

Cas hesitated for a moment.  He had purchased beer without knowing what Dean liked, a summer mix from a favorite local brewery.  He hadn’t had anything to drink in a long time.  But with everything that had happened and with everything that he was going to have to tell Dean tonight, it might be better.

 

“Could you grab me one of the beers, please?” he asked, going back to mixing the pasta and lemon sauce.

 

“Sure thing,” Dean said, opening the fridge.  Then he huffed, “Mind if I have one, too?  Rufus makes a damn good beer.”

 

Cas felt his mouth turn up at the corner, of course Dean knew Rufus, “Dean, as long as you are working for me you are more than welcome to anything in the fridge.”

 

“Thanks man,” Cas heard the pop of a beer cap coming off and when Cas glanced over Dean tilted his open bottle towards Cas in acknowledgement.  He took a long pull of the beer and Cas watched his throat working.  He dragged his eyes away, putting the pasta in a bowl and the chicken on a plate.

 

Cas cleared his throat, “How do you know Rufus, through Bobby?” Cas knew the two men were friends, if Dean had worked for Bobby it wasn’t surprising that he would know Rufus too.  He brought the food to the table, and Dean joined him, sitting down.

 

Dean snorted, “Sort of, my parents, they wanted, ah, wanted me to do something that was not horse related after I graduated high school.  I was pretty sure that I wanted to do something with horses, and I had been working for Bobby for years at that point.  So I asked Bobby if he knew of anyone who needed some help.  He pointed me Rufus’s way.  I’m sure it wasn’t entirely legal for me to work there, since I wasn’t old enough to drink,” Cas looked at him with a grin and Dean winked.  Cas felt his cheeks pinking and he started spooning pasta onto his plate.  Dean continued, taking the bowl from Cas, “I learned a lot, and I definitely enjoyed it, but I think horses will always be my first love.”

 

Cas took some chicken and passed that to Dean as well, then reached for the broccoli, “How _did_ you get into the horse world?”

 

“Mmm,” Dean swallowed his sip of beer, and grinned, “My mom, she teaches school, first grade, my dad works as a mechanic.  Since my mom could stay home over the summer it worked perfect.  Them the school decided to open a summer program for students between preschool and first and begged my mom to run it, since she’d have the kids the following year.  There are a lot of families that find it hard to afford a babysitter over the summer, ya know?  Anyway, she’d bring me and my brother, Sam, with her.  Apparently I became a little hellion around age 10,” Cas looked at Dean again and the other man grinned at him, green eyes sparkling.

 

“She begged my dad to figure something out.  One of his customers, Bobby, oddly enough, overheard my dad talking to my mom and mentioned that he could use some barn help.  Just little stuff, and if I’d be interested he’d be willing to let me have a lesson a week if I worked.  After I got over my pre-teen surliness, I figured out that I really loved being around horses.  My parents started having a hard time keeping me _away_ from the stable and the rest is history.”

 

Dean took a bite of the pasta and chicken and chewed thoughtfully, “Dude, if you ever want to quit the horses I think you could make a living as a chef.”

 

Cas felt his face get warm again and cleared his throat, “Um, thank you, Dean,” he scrambled for something to say, “Your brother, Sam right?  What does he do?” Cas watched as Dean’s face broke into a grin.

 

“Sammy is a lawyer, in town actually.  Graduated second in his class from Stanford law.  He and his wife, Jess, who was the one who beat him out for top in the class, by the way, are expecting their first child in a few months,” Dean’s face got even brighter, “I’m gonna be an uncle!”

 

Cas felt an answering smile, “That’s wonderful, Dean, congratulations.”

 

Dean continued to smile as the kitchen fell into silence.  Cas felt himself becoming strangely comfortable.  The alcohol in his system was making him feel warm and relaxed and having a real meal for the first time in a long time was making him sleepy.  The company was pretty good as well.

 

Dean sat back with a sigh, “Seriously, very good, thanks Cas.  We can come up with a cooking schedule tomorrow, I’m not sure if I can beat that meal, but I can make a damn good burger.”

 

Dean stood up and grabbed the plates, stopping Cas from helping with a quick, “You cooked, I clean” and rinsing the plates in the sink.

 

“Another beer?” he asked.

 

“Sure,” Cas said, not wanting the easiness of the night to end.

 

He heard Dean pop open the two beers, then move to sit back down, reaching over to put Cas’s beer down in front of him.

 

“So, Cas, is there anything else I need to know?  Any weird quirks that your horses have?” Dean smiled but Cas felt his stomach drop.  He knew Dean was not looking for anything serious.  He probably just wanted to know if they had a penchant for throwing a shoe or rolling in mud right before a show.  But Dean did need to know.

 

He stretched his arms forward, folding his hands around the cool beer bottle and sighed, “Yes, Dean, I do need have a few things that you need to know,” Dean looked up at him, surprised.  Cas decided to just start at the beginning, feeling his good mood start to dissipate.

 

“My father and my _uncle_ ,” Cas felt himself practically spitting the word.  That man didn’t deserve to be included in family, “Started the farm.  Built it from a little thing with a few clients to what it is… um, was,” Cas hesitated, thinking of the past, thinking of the stable as it had been, the bustle of clients and horses, the laughter from his dad after his brother made a wisecrack. His mother pulling him in to hug him after his first Grand Prix win.  

 

He mentally shook himself, glancing at Dean’s face, which was open and curious, he continued, “My parents had Michael then me.  When my brother turned 18 and was obviously invested in the farm my dad gifted him with quarter ownership, half of his half of the stable.  When I turned 18, my dad convinced Zachariah to sell half of his half of the stable and gifted that to me.  Zachariah wanted to expand his business, he imports horses for wealthy clients, and was more interested in that than in keeping control of the stable.”

 

Cas took a deep breath.  The next part was difficult, “My parents and brother were with a client in Germany, looking at a few horses.  Zachariah had helped to arrange the trip.  I was at a show in Florida.  I was supposed to join them after the Grand Prix.  There was… an accident,” Cas hesitated, flashes of his mom’s beautiful face and his dad’s welcome smile and his brother teasing him, playing in his head, “They were driving and someone hit their car.  Everyone was killed,” he heard Dean inhale sharply but kept his eyes glued to the beer bottle, watching as his hands worked to pull the label away from the bottle before smoothing it back down, “My parent’s will left everything to be shared equally between me and Michael.  But since Michael was gone...”

 

Cas sat back and brought a hand up to rub his closed eyes, trying to alleviate the headache growing there.  He watched the colors burst on his eyelids as he continued, “Michael didn’t have a will.  He was only 29, who writes a will at 29?  Who thinks they’ll need a will?  I was Michael’s next of kin.  Everything went to me.  Including my father’s and my brother’s ownership in the farm.  Zachariah was… not pleased.  I guess he suddenly realized that he only had a quarter ownership in the farm versus my three quarters.  I think that if it had been me in that car, rather than Michael...” Cas didn’t finish that thought.  Didn’t want to put into words how much his only living relative hated him.

 

“He didn’t fight it legally though, not at first.  I was… well, I was in pretty bad shape.  Didn’t want to ride.  Didn’t want to show.  I’d go and see my horses every once in awhile.  People started drifting away from the stable.  People get nervous when that much death surrounds a stable, you know?  And my dad and Michael were the ones good with clients anyway.  I was just a decent rider.  One night I went down and found all three of my horses gone, I didn’t have Connie then.  I flipped out, thought maybe they had been moved.  I searched the stable.  Over half the horses were gone,” Dean made a strange sound but Cas didn’t look at him, eyes focused back on his hands, “I called my uncle in a panic, he didn’t pick up.  Neither did Balthazar,” He heard Dean shift slightly, and Cas finally glanced at him, curious.  He was looking down at his hands on the table.  His knuckles were stark white.

 

Cas took a deep breath and continued, keeping his eyes on Dean now, finding the courage to tell this story to an outsider for the first time, “Balthazar was our other trainer.  It was 4 in the morning, so I’m not entirely surprised they didn’t pick up.  Balthazar called me the next day.  Said he was up in Pennsylvania at a show with the horses.  He was surprised I didn’t know.  Said Zachariah had been sending them to tons of shows.  Zachariah told them the stable needed money.  He’d even set Seb up for trial rides for leasing.  I don’t… I don’t like to show my horses that frequently.  We didn’t need the money, even with no clients we don’t need the money.  My mom… she came from a wealthy family and I had more than enough to keep the stable going for years.”

 

Cas closed his eyes, embarrassed, “I was furious with Zachariah.  With Balthazar even, who thought he was helping.  I felt that Balthazar should have known I wouldn’t want them shown that frequently.  When they pulled in and started unloading I chewed Zachariah out, right in front of a bunch of clients.  Yelled at Bal too,” he remembered how red Zachariah’s face had gotten, almost purple.  Balthazar had looked somewhat ashamed as well.  “Zachariah left the next day, went to another stable in the area.  Balthazar left too.  Didn’t go with Zachariah, though.  All the clients followed them,” it had hurt, that none of the clients had wanted to stick around.

 

Cas took a deep breath, “Zachariah did fight me legally then.  Said I was running the stable into the ground and since he still owned a quarter of the stable he had the right to run a quarter of the business.  We’re still… uh, fighting a bit.  I was able to stall him for a little while.   Shade’s pregnant by Sparks and I’ve told Zachariah that I’m willing to offer one of his clients, actually an old client of mine, a good price on her foal.  But the reason I was so… confrontational… when we first met is that Zachariah has been periodically sending people posing as potential clients or stable help.  They’re pretty easy to spot,” Cas thought back to the one woman who had made a scared little yelping sound when Sparks had stamped his hoof at a fly.  Cas sighed, “I guess he’s trying to get information on me and the stable to use in court.”

 

Cas spread his hands out on the table, palms up, “So that’s everything.  Why I have no clients and why I’m paranoid about people on my property.  This will be my first full year back to showing and my first year back in the Grand Prix.  I haven’t shown in one since the accident.  We won the class in Florida.  My brother was dying in the hospital at the same time.”

 

When Dean didn’t say anything Cas felt his stomach drop.  Dean shifted in his chair then, “Zachariah’s a pretty big dick, huh?”

 

Cas let out a laugh, startled, and looked at Dean, who was giving him a small smile, “Yeah, he is.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was lying on his bed in his new room, staring at the hand he had stretched out toward the ceiling.  He thought back to the conversation with Cas.  The man’s uncle was a jackass.  He closed his hand into a fist.  Dean dimly remembered the story about Cas’s parents and brother.  It had sent a ripple through the horse world, people talking in hushed whispers of the family who had disappeared in one fell swoop.  There had been a memorial at one of the Florida shows.  It must have been the year after the accident.

 

Dean had been prepping one of his client’s horses, getting the last shine in the mare’s coat and was only distantly paying attention to what was happening over the loudspeaker.  Cindy had come back red-eyed and sniffling, but when Dean had asked if everything was alright she had just waved him off.

 

Dean was no longer surprised at how Cas had acted when they’d first met.  He’d act the same way too, if it was his horses and his farm.  How could someone be so terrible to _family_?  He turned his head to look at the picture of his own family.  He wasn’t sure if he would be able to come back if he lost all of them.    

 

But Cas had smiled at him, had laughed even, blue eyes bright.  They had sat at the table for another hour, chatting about the horses.  Then Cas had glanced at the clock in the kitchen, looking surprised.  Had said in that gravelled voice of his how sorry he was for keeping Dean up, like it was a burden.  He told Dean that he was going to check his horses and switch the alarm on, saying that it would go off in the house if something triggered it.

 

Then he had stood there awkwardly before finally saying, “Thank you, Dean,” Dean had nodded but Cas had continued staring at him then finally said, “I appreciate everything.  I really do.”

 

Dean wasn’t sure what to say to that.  He just nodded again before saying “Cas, you were the one who gave me the job.  I look forward to working with you.”

 

Then they stood there in the kitchen and Dean had felt tingles race up his spine as Cas’s eyes lingered on his.  He wet suddenly dry lips and could have sworn that the man’s eyes had flicked to them, felt his heart stop when they did.  When had they gotten so close, anyway?

 

Then Cas had turned on his heel, walking out of the kitchen with a curt, “Good night, Dean.”

 

And Dean had stood there in the kitchen, confused and slightly too warm, listening while Cas pulled on his shoes, and walked out the door.

 

Dean turned to lay on his side, closing his eyes.  Tomorrow was going to be an early day.  And he had never gotten his tour.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE IS THE START OF A PANIC ATTACK IN THIS CHAPTER. It's in the last few paragraphs. It's not too bad, but in writing this story I've found that there will likely be more panic attacks and likely with more detail. I just want to give you a warning in case that kind of thing bothers you.
> 
> Also, I know I have way too much explanation, some of it is just how I write and I'm trying to work on that, sorry =/
> 
> Oh! Here's a pinboard with horse pictures that inspire this work: https://www.pinterest.com/marnellenator/horses/
> 
> Terms used in this chapter:  
> Longeing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Longeing
> 
> Manure stain (not gross, promise!): http://www.proequinegrooms.com/index.php/tips/grooming/dealing-with-manure-stains-on-your-horse/
> 
> Lead change: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTmc5SPzhiI
> 
> Poll (part of the horse): http://horses.about.com/od/partsofthehorse/g/poll.htm
> 
> Poultice/icing legs: http://www.proequinegrooms.com/index.php/tips/legs-and-hooves/post-exercise-leg-care-for-horses-ice-poultice-sweats-liniments/

Dean was up early the next morning, just as the predawn light started to filter through his window.  He made his way down to the kitchen, yawning and careful to be quiet in the unfamiliar surroundings.  He started the coffee and made a bagel, eating it as the coffee bubbled and filled the kitchen with the warm, familiar smell.  He wasn’t sure if Cas drank coffee but he made extra just in case, leaving it to stay warm on the burner after filling his well-worn travel mug, dented and stained from years of accompanying him to shows.  Cas had left a piece of paper with a 6-digit code and the word “Alarm” so Dean took it down to the stable with him, punching in the code after opening the stable door.

 

Bringing the mucking equipment down the aisle with him he flipped on the radio as he passed by and pulled Sparks out of his stall, hooking the stallion to the crossties.  He set to work mucking the stallion’s stall, singing along to the rock station.  Sparks dozed in the aisle as Dean worked and he finished the stall quickly, then continued on to Seb’s stall.  The gelding grudgingly moved out of his stall, feet hesitant.  The big bay popped a back leg up and his eyes fell to half mast almost the instant he was put in crossties.  

 

Dean snorted, “I feel ya, kid.” he mucked the stall quickly and as soon as the bay was back the horse went back to dozing, lower lip hanging.  He pulled Shade next and the mare watched him with gentle eyes as he picked through her bedding.  Connie was the most eager, nickering at Dean and stepping out quickly.  

 

Dean laughed lowly at her, “Easy, love, just a few minutes,”  Connie glanced back at him and Dean picked up the singing again.

 

After the stalls were done he threw them all some hay and swept the aisle, then made his way back up to the house.  Pouring himself another mug of coffee and a small bowl of cereal he sat down at the table, sighing and stretching his back.  Seb, Connie, and Sparks were all due for riding, with Seb being the only one jumping, and Shade scheduled for longeing.  He knew he had a little while before Cas expected Connie to be ready, so he wasn’t in any particular rush.  As he was going over the schedule in his head he heard noises down the hallway and perked up, he was wondering when Cas was going to get up.

 

The man stumbled in, hair sticking up in weird places and eyes mostly closed.  He immediately went to the coffee maker, reaching up to grab a mug.  Dean swallowed, Cas’s thin sleeping pants were riding low on his hips and when he reached up Dean could see the muscles in his lower back moving, dimples just above his ass visible.  Dean dragged his eyes away only to bring them back as Cas shuffled over to the refrigerator, getting creamer.  He watched as the other man put a truly abhorrent amount of cream and sugar into his mug then poured his coffee.  Cas still looked half asleep, and Dean was pretty sure that the man wasn’t even aware that someone was in the kitchen with him, a suspicion that was confirmed when Cas sat down across from him, sleepily opened his eyes, then started when he caught sight of Dean, his chair scraping noisily against the floor.

 

“Oh, Dean,” Dean shifted in his seat at the gravel in Cas’s voice when he said Dean’s name, a tingle low in his spine.

 

Dean cleared his throat, “Morning, Cas.”

 

Cas fiddled with his coffee cup, “Good morning.  I hope you slept well,” Dean shrugged and nodded.  He had slept surprisingly well for being in a new space.  Cas continued, “Well, um, thank you for making the coffee.”

 

Dean huffed, “I’m glad I made enough, wasn’t sure if you drank it.”

 

Cas took a sip, “Yes, my mom,” he hesitated, swirling the coffee and watching it move in his cup, “she used to say that I was like my father, useless until my second cup at least,” Dean smiled and Cas continued, “my brother was like her, didn’t really need caffeine and usually drank tea,” Cas made a face and Dean snorted.

 

Cas smiled at him and they sat in silence, Dean finishing his cup of coffee and his cereal.  Cas got up to pour a second cup, then sat with a sigh.

 

Dean stretched his arms up, feeling his shoulder pop, “Connie first, yeah?  Will you warm her up, or would you like me to?”

 

He looked at Cas to see the other man looking back at him, cheeks slightly pink, “No reason to warm her but if you could start Seb and Sparks?”

 

Dean nodded, “Sounds good, I’ll see you down there.”

 

**\--**

  
  


Connie stepped out quickly, dancing in the crossties.  Dean grinned, “Well, you’re ready for the day, huh love?” 

 

He brushed down the mare, grinning when she leaned into his curry comb as he worked on a manure stain she had picked up in the middle of the night.

 

“Of course you did, little love,” he said to her.  He finally got the stain out, checked her legs and hooves, booting her as he did so then tacking her, leaving her girth loose.

 

he moved to Seb next, who sighed when Dean opened his stall.  Dean snorted at him, saying “Sorry, kid.  Maybe I should get you some coffee too.”  He brought the gelding to the crossties in front of Connie as he brushed him down.  The gelding had an amazing red sheen to his coat and Dean took a moment to appreciate his color.  Despite the obvious grumpiness the horse was showing, he wasn’t being difficult.  Dean was halfway done when he heard heels clicking in the aisle.  He patted the gelding and moved to Connie, who nuzzled into his hand.  

 

Dean bridled the mare as he watched Cas murmur to the bay and scratch him behind the ears.  Seb leaned into the scratching and Dean grinned at the cute scene.  Cas patted the gelding and moved past him to Dean, reaching for the reins he asked “All is well?” he glanced at Connie, who was watching the proceedings with pricked ears.

 

Dean nodded, “Yeah, Seb is a little grumpy this morning, though.”

 

Cas huffed a laugh, “Seb is  _ always _ grumpy in the mornings, he and I have similar views, but the show season is coming up so he does have to get used to it.”

 

Dean grinned and winked, “Is this a hint that you’re grumpy at shows?”

 

Cas flushed and Dean laughed, “I’ll meet you out there with Seb, which ring?”

 

“Connie and I will warm up in the ring I was in yesterday but I have a full hunter course already set up in the big ring, it’s just behind the jumper ring, so we’ll move there.  If you want to come there after warm up?  I like to get Connie used to being around real fences, even if we’re not jumping anything today.”

 

Dean nodded, “Sounds good.”

 

\--

  
  


Dean buckled his helmet, leading Seb to the mounting block.  He swung a leg over then slowly settled on the gelding’s back, letting him walk a few steps before sitting down completely.  He let the bay walk on a free rein, getting used to his movement.  Cas was nowhere to be seen.  He let Seb walk a little longer, then collected the reins and nudged him into a trot.  The gelding moved out slowly and Dean concentrated on getting him into a steady, forward gait, moving on from there.  

 

He brought Seb back to a walk after the warm up, patting the gelding’s warm neck, then tipped back in the saddle, stretching his back and breathing in the morning air.  It was a beautiful day and he couldn’t help but smile.  He had a new job, a new boss and some amazing horses.

 

He let the gelding meander around the ring twice, then walked out of the arena, heading down the path and towards the ring where he guessed Cas and Connie were.  Sure enough Dean found the two working in a hunter ring set further back.  Dean took a moment to watch Cas and the mare work.  He was leading her across the diagonal and asked for a lead change.  She swapped her lead beautifully and Cas grinned, bright and happy.  Dean couldn’t stop staring.  Cas’s teeth were white against his tanned face and his body was radiating joy.  It was like Dean was seeing the sun after a long, miserable winter.

 

Cas slowed Connie to a walk after turning the corner, after a few strides he leaned down and scrubbed at her neck.  Dean heard murmuring but couldn’t make out the words.  Cas straightened and when he caught sight of Dean he smiled and raised a hand in acknowledgement.

 

“Just give us a few minutes to walk and I’ll switch with you,” Cas called.

 

Dean nodded, nudging Seb into an easy walk around the path on the outside of the ring.  Cas dropped his stirrups and let Connie walk along the rail, once again seeming to enjoy the quiet time with his horse.

 

Dean hummed softly as they walked, watching Seb flick his ears back and forth as he listened to everything, and enjoyed the quiet.

 

**\--**

 

After Dean switched with Cas he took Connie back to the stable, promising to return once Connie was all set.  She wasn’t sweaty, so he was able to groom her and get her back in her stall quickly.  He got back to the ring just as Cas was finished with his ground work.

 

“Need any changes to the course?” Dean called, stepping into the ring and shutting the gate behind him.

 

“No, thank you though.  We’re just going to do a few courses.  Seb doesn’t need a ton of schooling, normally,” Cas turned and reached behind him, grabbing the back of the saddle and cracking his back, turning to the other side and doing the same.  He then stretched back, touching the top of Seb’s tail, then switched course to touch Seb’s poll.  Dean watched Cas’s slim body as he stretched forward and back.  The breeches that the man was wearing did nothing to hide the strong muscles in his thighs as he stretched back to touch Seb’s tail. Dean swallowed with a click, darting his eyes down to the horse instead.  Seb was walking sedately, obviously used to his rider’s movements.

 

Cas came back to forward again then started schooling the bay

 

Sure enough the big bay went around the course with aplomb.  Dean took some time to appreciate the view.  Cas and the bay worked beautifully together.  Cas’s slim form moving into two point and back as the bay stretched over fences, legs snapped up and body arched beautifully.

 

“It looks like Seb doesn’t really need you all that much,” Dean called after Cas finished a perfect course.

 

Cas grinned, rubbing a hand on the bay’s neck, “Yeah, he’s pretty much push button at this point.  He shrugged, “Still a good idea to get him schooled and ready.  I’m considering finding a leaser for him and want to put him up for trials at some of the shows,” he glanced at Dean, “On that note, do you want to make up a show list today?”

 

Dean nodded, “Already have a few in mind.  I can make a list while you cool down.  I know you want to have lunch before riding Sparks, we can look at it over then?”

 

Cas hummed, “That sounds like a plan, yes.  The computer in the stable’s office should work.”

 

Dean nodded, gave a salute and walked out of the arena.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas dropped his stirrups and stretched his ankles, patting Seb again.  His heart had done a weird little flutter when he had seen Dean on Seb.  The man looked so comfortable and, if he was honest with himself, Dean had matched Seb incredibly well, his coloring going well with the bright bay.  Connie had gone well and Cas was happy with the day overall.  Cas had felt the heavy weight of Dean’s eyes on him the entire time he was riding and it sent a small thrill up his spine.  It had been a long time since he had ridden in front of someone and he found himself wanting to be perfect.  Dean made comments as he watched, his eyes scrutinizing every move that Cas made and Cas was glad for it, finding that he was pushing himself to be better.

 

He sighed.  He hadn’t really meant to tell Dean that he was thinking about leasing out Seb.  Even if it had been the original reason for getting Connie.  He thought that having a green horse around might give him something to focus on other than the deathly quiet of the house.  Something other than the feeling in his gut when he woke, ready to start the day, only to suddenly become aware of the silence that surrounded the house like a shroud.  He had never actually put his plan into motion, though.  Too afraid that someone would lease Seb then leave him alone again.  Dean was here now, though, slowly filling the pockets of silence with his bright eyes and smile.

 

Now that it was out there he took a moment to think about the idea.  The lease would have to be on property.  The thought of one of his horses leaving him, even for a short time, made his heart beat too fast and his hands shake.  Did he really want someone else on the property, though?  It would be a different situation, of course.  They wouldn’t be living on the property, like Dean was.  He wasn’t sure he could even find someone who would want to train here.  Who would after all that had happened?

 

Seb shook his head and stretched his neck down and Cas grinned, pulled out of his thoughts.  He reached down to feel Seb’s neck.  It was a normal temperature, so he nudged the bay out of the ring, tipping his head back to look up at the blue sky.  A bird trilled nearby and Cas felt his heart soar.

 

He dismounted and walked into the stable, hearing the sounds of his horses moving in the stalls, but he didn’t hear or see Dean anywhere.  He felt worry start to grip his stomach, “Dean?” he called, hating the way his voice had gone high and tight.  There was no answer and Cas felt the fear start to grab at his lungs now.  He called again, an edge of panic in his voice.

 

He heard a bang coming from down the aisle and then Dean stuck his head out the office door, face lighting up when he saw Cas.  Cas exhaled shakily.  Of course.  He had told Dean to use the office, after all.

 

“Sorry ‘bout that, didn’t hear you come in,” Dean said as he walked down the aisle.  He stretched his hands up over his head, letting out a groan as he twisted from side to side.  Cas trailed his eyes down Dean’s body, lingering on the strip of skin that was revealed as Dean stretched.  A line of lighter skin was evident just above the line of Dean’s pants and Cas looked away, not wanting to get caught staring.  

 

Dean groaned again as he dropped his hands and Cas felt a tingle run up his spine.  The sounds made Cas think of things that he hadn’t had in a long time.  Hadn’t  _ wanted _ in a long time. 

 

“I’m gettin’ old,” Dean grumped as he got close.

 

Cas brought his eyes up to trace the freckles along Dean’s nose, wondering if they extended down his neck, maybe onto his chest.  If he could one day connect them all.

 

Dean grinned and winked, “You just gonna stand there all day or you want me to take Seb?”

 

Cas flushed and handed Seb’s reins to Dean, reaching up to pull off his helmet.  Dean got Seb into crossties and stripped him of his tack quickly.  Cas bent down, pulling off one of Seb’s boots, feeling his leg and hoof for any heat or swelling.  He heard Dean make a slightly strangled sound and straightened to find Dean paying careful attention to toweling off Seb’s face, color high on his cheeks.  Cas moved back to pull the rest of his boots off and was confused when he heard Dean cough sharply.

 

“Are you okay, Dean?” he asked.  The man’s face was now flushed darker and he still wasn't looking at Cas.

 

Dean cleared his throat, “Ayup, Cas, totally fine.  Let me pick his hooves and get some ice on Seb’s legs, yeah?  You want me to wrap him tonight?”

 

Cas nodded, reaching down to pull the final boot off of Seb’s leg  “Yeah, some poultice would be good.”

 

“Okay, yup, perfect, let me just do that, then,” Dean’s voice sounded tight and Cas stood up and searched his face, trying to make sure that he really was okay.

 

Dean’s face was red as he turned away from Cas, walking down the aisle to the tack room.  Cas watched him walk, bowlegged, jeans hugging his ass with each step.  Cas sighed and strapped Seb’s boots to the stall to let them dry.  He needed to stop staring at the man or he would really be in trouble.  Dean returned, icing boots from the tack room freezer in hand.

 

Dean pulled a hoof pick out of his pocket and leaned down, getting Seb to pick up his large hoof.  The material of Dean’s jeans pulled tight across his ass as he cleaned Seb’s hoof and Cas swallowed hurriedly, turning to fumble with putting away some of the grooming supplies and looking for something, anything, to say.

 

He cleared his throat, “Sandwiches okay for lunch?”

 

Dean made a noise and Cas turned back to watch him.  He was running careful fingers over Seb’s leg.

 

“Sandwiches sound perfect.  If you make ‘em I’ll finish up with Seb and join you shortly?”  

 

Cas hummed in agreement and left to start the sandwiches, glad to finally get away from the man that he was trying desperately to stop thinking about naked.

 

* * *

 

Dean sighed as he pulled the ice boots off of Seb.  He had left them on while finishing Seb’s grooming and tack wipe down.  He carefully checked the gelding’s legs again as he did so, seeing no swelling or cuts and feeling no extra heat.  He patted the gelding on the neck as he unclipped the crossties and led him to his stall.

 

The gelding shook himself and Dean grinned, then sighed, “You’re owner.  He’s gonna be the death of me.”  

 

Dean thought back to the stretches that Cas had done before riding, the line of his body reaching and breeches pulled tight over his hips and thighs.  The thought of finding out just how flexible Cas’s slim body could be drifted through Dean’s mind.  He had to be careful, he had found his eyes lingering on the man’s ass more often than was good, especially when he had been bending over to remove the boots.  He only snapped out of it when Seb nosed at his side, probably smelling the peppermint in Dean’s pocket.

 

Dean laughed, pulling the mint from his pocket.  As the gelding crunched on the mint Dean patted him then stepped out of his stall and closed the door.  He looked around one last time to see if anything was out of place then headed up to the house for lunch.

 

**\--**

 

Lunch was sandwiches and chips and Cas making noises that made Dean shift in his seat.  The man sounded like he was thoroughly enjoying his sandwich and Dean was imagining making him thoroughly enjoy other things.  He must have been really hungry.

 

Dean found himself examining his new boss while they ate.  The man really was unfairly attractive.  Even his  _ scruff _ was attractive.  He looked odd though, and it took Dean a minute to realize that he looked more confident in his own skin, in his own home.  He wasn’t holding himself tightly as he had been.  His face was lighter, less tense.  Instead he seemed easy, almost. 

 

After lunch Dean pulled out the piece of paper with the list of shows and Cas raised an eyebrow at him, “Want to move into the office?  I have a calendar on the desk where I like to keep the show schedules.”

 

Dean nodded, “Might be good to have a computer nearby if we want to look up shows, too.”

 

They moved to the office and Dean waited for Cas to sit in the big, comfy looking computer chair, but the man stood aside and motioned for Dean to take it instead.  Feeling oddly out of place Dean flattened the piece of paper against the desk and Cas leaned over to turn on the computer, then stayed there to look over the list, chest warm against Dean’s shoulder.

 

Dean forced himself not to stiffen at the feeling; or give into the little voice that told him to lean back into the warmth.  Cas reached over and tapped a finger on the first show listed, “Why this one?”

 

Dean smiled, “I know that it might be a little below your normal level and all, but it is A rated and I’ve had clients go there before as a warm up to the big Spring shows  It’s a nice facility, good people who run it,” he shrugged, “I figured since we’re new with each other it might be good to go to a small show first, get a feel for how we work around each other, ya know?  There’s a bigger show that week, if you want to go there instead?”

 

He turned to look at Cas, wanting to gauge the man’s reactions, and realized just how close he was.  He sucked in a quiet breath, eyes moving over Cas’s jaw line, coming to linger over his lips, which were moving as he worked things out in his head.  Dean watched him carefully, he wanted to taste the man, see if maybe his lips were as soft as they looked.  He wanted to be the one that made Cas make the sounds he had heard, see what his face looked like when it was contorted in pleasure.

 

He realized, suddenly, that the other man was looking back at him, eyes roaming his face in turn.  He felt his body warm at the nearness, at the attention.  Cas’s eyes lingered on Dean’s lips for a minute and Dean felt the heat flush up to his face.  He shifted in his seat and Cas’s eyes flicked up and caught his at the movement.  They sat there, staring at each other and Dean leaned forward, intent on closing the distance.

 

The computer chimed, letting them know it had finished warming up and Dean whipped forward to face the computer suddenly aware of what he was about to do, face flushed warm.

 

He heard Cas clear his throat then say, “That show should be fine, I don’t mind smaller shows.  What else is on the list?”

 

* * *

 

They had a list of shows to attend and Dean had left with a quick, bright, grin to get Sparks ready.  Cas sat in the chair recently vacated by the man and put his head in his hands.  For a minute he had thought that Dean was actually going to kiss him.  He wasn’t sure what he would have done, how he would have reacted.  It had been far too long since he had felt anything like that.  He sighed and picked his head up, looking at the list again.  It really was a good list, not too heavy on his horses but with shows and classes that would likely offer some decent competition and exposure, which Cas knew he and his horses needed after the long absence from the shows especially if he wanted to pick up clients again.  The first show was less than a week away.

 

The thought of being back at a horse show made his heart start to beat faster in his chest.  He watched with an odd feeling of detachment as his hands started shaking, noticing only vaguely that his heart was starting to hammer in his chest now, he was certain he could feel it cracking against his ribs. His breath was rushing through his lungs, making his chest feel tight.  He started counting in his head, breathing in and out slowly as the numbers ticked by.  He stretched his hands, pulling his fingers as far apart as possible, watching as they quieted, and continued counting until his breathing and heart rate came back to normal.

 

These little moments of panic were why he had stopped showing.  Every time he got into the jumper ring at a show, with the crowd watching and the music playing and the announcer saying his name, he would remember the excitement and amazement that had bloomed in his chest when he had won his first million dollar Grand Prix.  He had galloped off of that last jump just  _ knowing _ that he had won, knowing that he and Sparks were the fastest, the best.  He had heard the cheers and had thrown a fist up in acknowledgement. He was imagining how his parents would sound when he told them as he trotted up to his uncle, who was standing grim faced at the gate.  Then his entire world had imploded.

 

His third time out in the jumper ring after the accident, just at a small local show where barely anyone knew him, he had gone around in a haze, didn’t remember the jumps or the jump off or how he had done.  He had somehow ended up back at his row of stalls, vision starting to narrow, teeth chattering, and not able to catch his breath, shaking so hard that he couldn’t grip Shade’s bridle well enough to remove it.  He had gotten her untacked finally then had buried his face into her neck and thrown his arms around her, afraid he would pass out, as she stood by patiently.  He had loaded his horses and left as soon as he could get everything packed, sending thanks to the universe that the show was so small that it didn’t allow stallions and he only had Shade and Connie.

 

After that he had stayed at home, working with his horses and ignoring people trying to contact him.  Until his uncle had started sending people.  Until Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there has been a lot of somewhat terrible things happening in the competitive hunter/jumper horse world right now. I will not be talking about it in the story because there's really no reason for it. However I would like to mention it here. Feel free to skip this rant.
> 
> When I was learning to ride I was taught that you NEVER EVER abuse a horse to get better results. That jumpers love what they do and if you have to abuse a horse to get results then you have the wrong horse for that particular job. That horses will jump better if they enjoy what they do. You can see this in some pro pairs. The horses are fast and careful and good because they are having a blast. The rider is there to guide and support and cajole but never abuse. And the horse trusts them to do this and jumps all the better for it.
> 
> I was also taught that you don't use calming supplements or medication unless there's a legitimate medical need. My horse was severely injured from a casting incident (where a horse rolls and gets stuck next to the wall of their stall and can't get up. They usually panic like my mare did. She ended up kicking out some of the boards of her stall) and she had to be on calming stuff for a long time. She is an off the track Thoroughbred (OTTB if you've ever wondered what that meant, meaning she was a Thoroughbred that raced) and had a ton of energy. If we didn't give her something to calm her she ran a very serious risk of further injuring herself or worse. We slowly started to wean her off of it as she could be worked more. We never gave her stuff again unless she aggravated an injury and needed it while recovering and we consistently won at A and local level hunter shows. Continuing to keep her on calming items would have not only been cheating but would have amounted to abuse. She wasn't herself when on them.
> 
> I was taught that hunters won at shows, went around a course beautifully and calmly, because of training, a love for what they do, and trust in their rider, not because they are doped up. I trusted my horse and she trusted me back and we did well because of that trust. A doped up horse is too out of it to do anything but trust. And that is incredibly dangerous.
> 
> The fact that TWO top level competitors in recent hunter/jumper competitions, one a goddamn pro who has client's horses, have gotten in trouble for one of these in the last few months sickens and saddens me. That is absolutely NOT good horsemanship. That is cheating and, worse, putting your horse's life and health on the line for it. If winning is the only reason you ride, not working your butt off to get better and loving what you do, not for the love of horses or that feeling you get when you walk into a stable and smell horse and leather, you have lost all my respect. The horse world has been shaken by this and I'm not sure where it will fall out. I hope it falls out for the better and that there are some major changes.
> 
> Rant over.  
> http://www.chronofhorse.com/article/keeping-few-bad-apples-out-horse-shows  
> http://www.chronofhorse.com/article/usef-suspends-devin-ryan-after-hampton-classic-horse-welfare-concerns


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE IS A FULL PANIC ATTACK IN THIS CHAPTER! There is a description of what the character goes through, and then it switches to the other person's viewpoint. It's generally how my panic attacks feel. 
> 
> The description of how the character feels starts in the section "Cas shook his head, watching Dean humming some classic rock song under his breath as he drove the large truck out of the stable driveway and onto the road." and ends at the next line break, where it switches to what the other character sees. It then completely ends at the next line break, though there is some embarrassment about it. See the end notes for more description about the panic attack if you don't feel comfortable reading what happens.
> 
> Terms used in this chapter:  
> Strip the stall - basically pull everything, (shavings/bedding, buckets, sometimes even mats) out of the stall and clean or toss it all, clean the stall itself, then place the clean/new items back in. If there’s no horse in it the bedding will be left out until needed.
> 
> Cover - there are a few different ways for breeding a horse, the two basic ones are artificial insemination and a live cover, each having their pros and cons. I’m not going to go into it too much because hopefully it’s fairly obvious?
> 
> Cleaning a hoof - most of the outside of the hoof is made up of the same thing your nails are, ie it has no nerves. This is why you can shoe a horse by putting in nails, since the nails stay on the outside of the hoof, away from the live area. On the bottom of the hoof, however, there is a triangle of live flesh left exposed called the frog (think of it like your nail bed). When checking a horse’s hooves, you want to make sure that there’s nothing caught up against the frog or pushing on it, as this can cause lameness. It’s also a way to check the wall of the hoof for cracks or lines, color changes, heat (which can mean that something is wrong underneath where you can’t see), etc. I always teach people to place the hoof back down rather than drop it, because dropping it is just rude.
> 
> Night security - not everyone has this at horse shows, in fact it’s fairly rare. We usually had someone who would stay overnight in case of any emergencies, mostly because my trainer was as anxiety ridden as I am [ha, ridden, I’m punny].
> 
> For an example of the decorations people sometimes put up at shows see here: http://www.chronofhorse.com/gallery/2014-menlo-charity-horse-show-tack-room-contest#prettyPhoto

Cas came back from lunging Shade to find Seb standing in the aisle, head low and eyes half closed.  Dean was pushing and moving his hand down the large muscles of the gelding’s haunches.

Dean looked up as they got closer and smiled distractedly, “Sorry, Cas, I’ll be right there, almost done.”

Cas nodded, reaching for Shade’s halter, but Dean was already back to watching his hands moving.  A few more movements and Dean squatted to run gentle hands over the bay’s legs.  He nodded, stood and patted Seb on the neck before unbuckling the crossties and leading the horse back to his stall.

Dean walked towards Cas, rubbing his hands on his jeans before chuckling quietly and holding up his hands, showing the dirt that was ingrained in his skin, “No matter how clean I think I get the horses, massage always shows me they could be cleaner.”

Cas smiled, “I didn’t know you could massage.”

Dean hummed acknowledgement, running a soft brush over Shade’s side, “Yup, got certified a few years ago.  Figured I could make some extra money.  I think it helps my horses out, too.  Seb seemed to enjoy it at least.”

Cas grinned, “Yes, I think he did.”

“They all go out after this, yeah?” Dean felt the need to fill the silence, though he knew their schedule already.  After three days of working with Cas they had fallen into an easy rhythm.

Cas made a noise of agreement, patting Shade on her belly and moving a soft hand down her back, following the line where her hair changed from white to bay.

“She’s not showing much yet, is this her first?” 

“Yes, but it is very early yet.  The vet wants to watch her closely since we’re not sure how easy she carries or births.  We’ve got a foaling stall and a camera that we can use once it gets closer.  It… well, it hasn’t been used for a while, but I stripped the stall when I found out the cover took.”

Dean nodded.  It would be his first foaling, but they had time for him to get ready and learn what was needed of him.  He ran a gentle hand down her leg and she picked it up easily.  He heard Cas cough quietly and he shifted his stance as he cleaned out the mare’s hoof.  

He placed Shade’s hoof back to the ground and stood, moving to check her back hoof.  Cas said, “Oh, I have Benjamin coming by tomorrow.  He was our night security when we were at shows, I asked if he would stop by to meet before this show, see if maybe he was interested in working for me… for us, again.”

Something warm bloomed in Dean’s chest at that.  That he was being included in the stable.  “When’s he stopping by?”

“He said sometime in the afternoon. I may be out for run, so if you wouldn’t mind meeting with him?  He knows to come up to the house if no one is in the stable.”

Dean nodded, “No problem, Cas.  I didn’t know you ran?”

Cas smiled, bright and quick as he leaned down to boot Shade’s front leg, “If I expect my horses to be in top physical shape, I expect it of myself as well.”

“Figures,” Dean chuckled as he picked up Shade’s last hoof, giving it a quick check.

“You’re welcome to join me today if you want,” Cas sounded amused, “I know how much you enjoy your runs.”

Dean snorted, he had mentioned Sam’s terrible habit of waking up at the crack of dawn to go for a run and how weird he found it, “Think I’d rather muck the stalls, thanks though”

Cas grinned as he clipped a leadline to Shade’s halter.  He waited for Dean to pull Connie out of her stall and together they led the mares to the turnout field.

 

* * *

 

“Beeeeenny,” Dean said, dragging out the name with a grin, “What’re you doing here?”

Benny held out his hand and Dean took it, being pulled into a hug, “I’m your night security, brother,” Benny said, stepping back and patting Dean on the shoulder.

“What, really?  I didn’t know you worked for Cas. Ah, you’re Benjamin.”

Benny grinned, “Yeah, Cas never would call me by anything but my full name.  It’s been awhile though.  Jumped at the chance when he called,” Benny scratched idly at his beard, “helped that I heard you were on board too,” he gave Dean an appraising look.

Dean rubbed at the back of his neck, “Yeah, client got out of the horse world, Cas had an opening.”

Benny hummed, lowering his voice he said, “So he’s really back, then, Cas I mean.”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, yeah he is.”

Benny shook his head, “Dunno if I could get back into it, after what happened and all.”

“I don’t think I could either,” Dean was silent for a moment, he couldn’t fathom what losing his entire family would be like.  Then he sighed and said, “So, want to walk me through the normal show week?”

Benny nodded and they walked into the stable together.

 

**\--**

 

Cas came back from his run to find Dean and Benny sitting on chairs outside, a cooler next to them with some of the beer and Dean rubbing oil into the neglected saddle as they chatted.  

“Hello, Benjamin, it’s nice to see you again,” Cas wiped his brow.

Benny nodded, “Good to see you, too, boss. Glad to hear you’re getting back into the business,” he tilted his beer bottle towards the horses quietly grazing in the fields, “Horses look real good.”

Cas flushed at the compliment and thanked Benny quietly.  Dean swallowed thickly.  Cas’s grey shirt was dark with sweat and it clung to his chest and arms, his running shorts were no better, accentuating his strong thighs.  Dean suddenly realized Benny and Cas were both staring at him and he shook his head.

“Sorry, what?” he took a sip of his beer, trying to wet his suddenly dry mouth.

Benny looked at him, amused, and Cas tilted his head, “Did Benjamin let you know our normal show setup?”

Dean cleared his throat, “Yeah, Cas, I think we’re good to go.”

Cas nodded, “Good, Benjamin, would you like to stay for dinner?”

Benny took a sip of his beer and nodded, “Sounds good, boss.”

Cas started stretching, bringing his foot up behind him and holding his ankle.  Dean choked on his beer and coughed.  Cas’s strong thigh flexed, pulling his shorts tights across his groin.  Benny thumped him on the back, grinning wildly, and Cas dropped his leg.

“Are you okay, Dean?” Cas sounded concerned and his brow was furrowed, eyes darting over Dean and taking a few steps in his direction.

“Swallowed wrong,” Dean croaked, waving his hand in the air, “fine.”

He averted his eyes as Cas lifted his other leg, and ran a hand over the saddle resting on his knee.  It was looking better and better with each oiling and he was considering giving it a test ride at some point.

“Burgers tonight?” Dean asked, risking a glance at Cas, who was now leaning down to touch his toes.  Dean felt his cheeks warm as he imagined finding out just how flexible his boss was.

“Yes, please,” Cas said, groaning and coming back to standing before bending backwards, his hands on his lower back.

Dean nodded and stood, slinging the saddle to rest on his hip, “I’ll, ah, just go start them, then,” he said, walking away in a hurry.  He wasn’t sure if someone could die from embarrassment, but he wasn’t going to test his luck.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Cas packed the last of his things for the show.  His breeches, coat, and show shirts were clean and hanging in his garment bag and his boots were polished and ready to go.  He ran a nervous hand over his suitcase, making sure that everything was zipped.  Worry tightened his lower belly and he felt the need to move, feeling restless and enclosed.

He heard a door open and steps in the hallway and hurried out to talk to Dean.  He needed to check a few things before they went to bed as tomorrow would be an early day.  He grabbed the list of names he had created of all of his show contacts on his way out the door.

“Dean,” he said, opening the door and stepping out into the hallway, looking over the piece of paper in his hand as he walked towards Dean’s room.

Then he stopped.  Dean was at the end of the hallway, towel around his waist and steam was coming from the open bathroom door behind him.  Cas felt his cheeks go hot and he immediately averted his eyes.

He heard Dean clear his throat and say, “Sorry Cas, I thought you were, uh, already asleep.”

Cas shook his head, “I’m just checking that I have everything ready for tomorrow,” and then his brain stuttered to a stop when he looked back up and caught sight of Dean again.

The man’s hair was sticking up in wild spikes, as if he had just run a towel through it and his skin was flushed.

Cas felt his eyes lingering on Dean’s collarbones and further down to the muscles in his chest, well defined from years of mucking stalls and working with horses. Cas wondered what the other man would taste like, with his skin still damp and warm.

Dean looked down and made an awkward move, as if he was going to cross his arms before dropping them again to grab at the towel around his waist.

He coughed and said, “Sorry, Cas, I haven’t, uh, had the chance to pick up the rest of my stuff from Sammy’s, including my robe,” he chuckled, sounding embarrassed and amused.

Cas noticed the blush high on Dean’s cheeks and shook his head, “I - sorry, I am so sorry, just, braiding?”

Dean looked confused, “ _ Braiding? _ ” he asked.

Cas could have slapped himself, instead he dropped his head into his hand, “God, sorry, braiding, for the horses.  We have a braider who would work on some of our client’s horses, but I forgot to call her.  I can call her tomorrow and see if she’s available at all, unless you have someone who can do it?”

Cas chanced a glance up to see Dean’s shoulders relax, “Cas, you told me that I would be in charge of everything when you first hired me, remember?  I can do braids, especially since it’s only Sparks and Seb, so no reason to call your braider.”

“Oh,” Cas felt his cheeks heat even more, he was so  _ stupid _ , “Sorry, I… it’s been awhile since I’ve shown, especially with someone else and I didn’t think about braiding and -”

Dean raised a hand to stop Cas, keeping the other firmly holding his towel together, and chuckled, “Cas, it’s fine.  I know we’re still getting used to each other, but I think we’re set for tomorrow.  You just startled me.  I’ve been in tighter living quarters than this, so…” he shrugged, “I’m not really a prude.”

Cas scrubbed at his face, “In any case, Dean.  I do apologize for the intrusion.  It’s late and it will be an early day tomorrow. I should let you get to bed.”

He turned to go back to his room but stopped when Dean grabbed his upper arm loosely, hand still warm from the shower.  For one heartstopping moment Cas thought that Dean was going to pull him forward, envelope him in the heat of his body. They sat in silence for a moment, Dean just staring at him, not saying or doing anything.  Cas fidgeted, feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny and wildly thought how funny it was the he was the one feeling uncomfortable even though he was the only one fully clothed.

The movement seemed to bring Dean back to himself and he quietly said, “Cas, you hired me so all you have to worry about is riding your horses and winning.  Let me worry about everything else, okay?” He squeezed Cas’s arm gently before dropping his hand.

Cas nodded and backed up a step then turned, walking down the hallway and quietly closing his bedroom door behind him, trying to feel like he wasn’t fleeing.  His arm was still warm where Dean’s hand had lingered.  Only then did he hear Dean’s door open then quietly snick shut.

 

**\--**

Cas woke early the next morning, well before his alarm.  The memory of last night lingered in his head, the way that Dean had looked in nothing but a towel, skin flushed and hair mussed as if someone had been running their hands through it.  He groaned and turned on his back, erection straining against his sleep pants.  He put a hand over his eyes and rubbed at them, trying to will his erection away.  

The memory of Dean’s strong fingers gently squeezing his arm sent a bolt of want through him.  He draped an arm over his eyes and groaned again before levering himself up and out of bed, glad that he had the room with the en suite bathroom.  He walked awkwardly to the shower, dropping his sleeping clothes as he walked.  Waiting for the water to warm up he distracted himself from his traitorous body by running over the schedule for the day in his head, keeping his hand under the water.

Thoughts of Dean kept intruding and the place on his arm where Dean had held him warmed at the memory.  He let the water sluice off his hand, warm to the touch now, as he thought of Dean.  He sighed and stepped under the warm water, feeling it hit his shoulders, but doing nothing for the tension that had already started building in his body.  He washed his hair as he thought about the day.  They were going to load the horses this morning and head out to the showgrounds.  Benny would meet them there with the farm truck later in the day.  Cas rotated his shoulders under the warm spray, trying to work out the tension that made his shoulders feel tight.

He’d ride Sparks, Seb and Connie today once they made it to the showgrounds, let them get used to the smells and sights of the show.  He felt his shoulders rise up towards his ears at the thought that tomorrow he’d be putting on his show breeches and going into the ring.  He’d entered in a warm-up jumper course on Friday for Sparks, so that was all he would have to worry about.  Seb wouldn’t show until Saturday and Sunday, and the big grand prix wouldn’t be until Saturday night.  At the thought of the grand prix, Cas shuddered, suddenly cold under the water.  He brought his hands up to stare at them.  They were white and shaking.  He took a few deep breaths, rolling his shoulders, then leaning down to touch his toes.  He had Dean, he would be okay.

 

* * *

 

 

Bobby arrived with Jaime, shaking Dean’s hand then pulling Cas into a bear hug.  Dean might have been imagining it, but he thought that Bobby’s eyes looked a little wetter than normal when he backed out of the hug.  He kept his large hands on Cas’s shoulders, studying him.

“You look good, kid,” Bobby said, voice gruff.  Dean could see the red flaring in Cas’s cheeks and he cleared his throat.  At the sound Bobby looked away from Cas and dropped his hands, “Stable looks good too.  Glad to see that Dean’s working for you.”

“Hey!” Dean said, offended.

Cas gave him an amused smile, “I cannot thank you enough for sending him my way, Bobby.  He has been wonderful.”

Dean felt his face go red at the compliment and Bobby guffawed, “No problem on that, glad he was free.  So, where should we set up miss Lady here?”

Dean broke into a grin, “Lady, huh?”

He watched as Jaime backed Lady out of the trailer and walked forward to take her, murmuring quietly to the old mare.  She looked at him with calm eyes and nickered lowly.  Dean ran a hand down her neck and dropped a kiss just below her mane.  He clucked at her and together they walked into the barn, Cas, Bobby and Jaime following behind them.

Dean could hear Bobby explaining that Lady had been the horse that Dean had ridden the very first time he had ever been on a horse.  Dean couldn’t see it but Cas grinned brightly at that, imagining a little Dean bopping up and down on the chestnut mare.  Dean brought her to the stall he had prepared yesterday, next to Shade.  

“If I had known it would be Lady I would have gotten her some of those apple treats that she loves,” Dean said, taking off her halter and dropping another kiss on her neck.

Jaime grinned and pulled a bag out of his pocket.  Lady’s ears perked forward and Dean grinned as she carefully took the treat from his hand, whiskers tickling his palm.  He closed the door and turned to find Cas looking at him, gaze so gentle that Dean had to look away, embarrassed.

“Heya Jaime, lemme show you where everything is, yeah?  We’ll leave Lady to settle in a bit.”  Jaime nodded and together they walked down the aisle, leaving Bobby and Cas to catch up.

 

**\--**

 

After that it was quick work to wrap and load the three horses.  Cas dropped a quick kiss on Shade’s nose.  The mare was standing in the crossties, Jaime booting her in preparation for her turn out with Lady.  Cas murmured a few things that were too low for Dean to hear, and Shade flicked her ears, listening to him.  Dean grinned, enjoying the cute scene.

When Jaime stood up from booting Shade, Dean stepped forward and gave Jaime the key to the house, telling him where the room was, and where he had left the code for the stable alarm.  Jaime listened patiently to Dean then grinned, “Dean, I’ve done this before, me’n Lady know the drill.  We’ll call you if there’s something weird.”

Dean laughed, “Sorry Jaime, it’s just that it’s my stable, ya know?”

Jaime quieted at that and studied Dean.  Then he nodded, “Yeah, Dean.  I gotcha.  Don’t worry.  I’ll take good care of it.”

Dean nodded and clapped Jaime on the shoulder, “I know you will man, thanks.”

He turned to find Cas staring at him, mouth open slightly, “Ready, Cas?” he asked.

Cas closed his mouth with a click, then nodded, turning to follow behind Dean to go to the trailer.

 

* * *

 

Cas shook his head, watching Dean humming some classic rock song under his breath as he drove the large truck out of the stable driveway and onto the road.  Dean had called it his stable.  Had been worried about the stable and Shade, and everything.  Cas felt inordinately pleased with that.  He knew that Dean had seemed to be getting more and more comfortable.  He smiled, huffing a breath through his nose at the amazement he felt at how good Dean was for the stable, for _him_ , then he sat back, closing his eyes and listening to Dean’s voice as he started singing along to the song.

Cas opened his eyes a little while later, realizing he must have fallen asleep.  He looked around, trying to figure out how close they were and if he could maybe go back to sleep.  Dean was still singing under his breath and Cas was warm and felt more comfortable than he could remember in a long time.  He sat forward suddenly, realizing where Dean was headed but not able to say anything, breath catching in his chest.  He wanted to claw the words from his throat, tell Dean to stop, that they couldn’t go that way, but his breath was coming too fast now as the entrance to the expressway loomed in front of them.

Of course Dean would do that, it was the quickest way to the showground.  And Dean didn’t know, how could he.  Cas felt the start of an attack circling in his gut, rising up to clutch at his lungs, his heart, with cold fingers.  He tried to stop it, tried to push it back.  He should be  _ over _ this by now.  He felt his body start to shake and he clutched at his stomach, breath starting to come hard and fast, heart beating so it felt like it would break his ribs.  He bent in half, not wanting to see the landscape whizzing past or the cars moving so fast.  Too fast.  They wouldn’t be able to stop in time.  They would crash and his horses would die and Dean would die and he would be left alone.  All alone.

 

 

* * *

 

Dean became aware of the harsh breathing coming from next to him and he glanced to his side to find Cas hunched over, arms wrapped tightly around his stomach.

“Cas?” he asked then louder when Cas didn’t answer, “Cas?  What’s happening, are you sick?”

Cas shook his head, not looking up.  The man was  _ shaking _ .  Dean swore quietly and put his blinker on.  Thank goodness the shoulder was wide enough here.  He slowed to a stop carefully, cutting the engine, then unbuckled, sliding over the bench seat to settle next to Cas.  The man was making panicked little sounds high in his throat and Dean suddenly realized what was happening.

He kept his voice calm and quiet, “Hey Cas, Cas, I need you to breathe with me, okay?  In,” Dean inhaled slowly and loudly, “Out,” he exhaled slowly, counting to ten aloud as he did so.  He kept repeating the command.  He wanted to offer Cas a touch, but wasn’t sure if it would be okay.  As Cas’s breathing came more under control he said, “You’re doing so good, Cas, just keep breathing with me, okay?”

They continued like that until the shaking calmed somewhat and Cas’s breathing seemed to stabilize.  Dean stopped counting aloud but continued breathing loudly and evenly.

“Cas, do you need anything?” he asked.

Cas shook his head then, after a moment, nodded, “Water,” his voice was raspy.

“Okay, Cas, I’m just going to get it, okay?” Dean moved slowly after Cas made a noise of assent.  He twisted the top off the bottle and said, “Cas, I’m going to hand you the water.”

He dropped his hand, bringing the water to where Cas could see it.  Cas put out a shaky hand, sitting up slightly to take a few sips.  His eyes were tightly closed.  He was still shaking, but it was little tremors now.

“Cas, what can I do?” Dean kept his voice quiet and calm but inside he wanted to panic.  Wanted to see the tightness on Cas’s face go away and for him to smile.

Cas twitched, “Expressway,” his voice was still raspy, “I can’t…”

Dean nodded, even though Cas couldn’t see him.  He silently cursed himself for not thinking to ask.

“Okay, Cas.  I’m going to get us off of the expressway,” Dean slid slowly back to the driver’s seat, “I’m going to start the truck now, okay?”

He watched Cas carefully when the engine turned over.  The man flinched but kept breathing normally.  “I’m going to go to the first exit, alright?  Won’t be more than a few minutes”

Cas nodded, eyes shut and body tense.  Dean put the truck into gear and moved forward slowly, leaving the hazards on.  He let out a shaky breath when the exit came into view.

“Cas, I’m going to exit the expressway now.  Do you need me to stop once we’re off?”

Cas shook his head saying, “No, no.”

Dean pulled into the exit and exhaled again once they turned onto a street he recognized.  He was pretty sure he knew how to get to the show on back roads.

“Cas, we’re off the expressway, okay?  You can still see it from here but if you count to 20 slowly you won’t be able to see it anymore,”  He saw Cas nod out of the corner of his eye and concentrated on driving, flipping off the hazards.

After a long five minutes he heard Cas let out a jittery breath, “How did you know?” Dean startled at the question and glanced at Cas.  The man’s eyes were still closed but his face had evened out.  Dean couldn’t tell if he was still shaking from the quick glance and didn’t want to leave his eyes off the road for long.  

Dean sighed, “My dad.  He served in Vietnam.  One day he was dozing on the chair in our living room while I was watching TV.  My show had just ended and I was flipping through channels.  Found something on the History channel that seemed interesting.  They had footage of the war.  Next thing I know my dad was making these noises and clutching his chest and having trouble breathing.  I thought that he was  _ dying _ ,” Dean paused, remembering the panic he had felt at that, just as fresh as it had been that day.

“I yelled and my mom came running in from the kitchen.  She talked him through it,” Dean paused then said, “That’s not something you ever really forget, ya know?”

Cas nodded but remained silent.

 

* * *

 

Cas was embarrassed.  He had never had a panic attack in front of anyone before.  At least, that’s what he assumed they were.  After his first one he had looked it up, worried that the shortness of breath and nausea and clawing feeling in his gut meant that he was dying, pretending that there wasn’t a glimmer of hope at the thought  The internet stated that he could be dying but that a panic attack seemed more likely.

He hunched his shoulders, keeping his eyes glued to the landscape.  He hadn’t looked at Dean since he had felt okay enough to open his eyes.  He was exhausted, every muscle in his body feeling wrung out and worn.  He always felt like this after an attack.  He hadn’t had one in a while.  The last one being after the last meeting with this lawyer, when the man told him that he really could be in danger of losing the horses if he didn’t start making a profit off them soon.

The thought had him shuddering again and he focused on the trees and fields they were passing.   _ It has been  _ years  _ Castiel, _ he thought to himself,  _ why can’t you be stronger than this? _  He let out a shaking breath, feeling like he was going to start crying.  There was always the need, after an attack, to cry.  The sudden release of the pain and fear, he supposed.

Dean made a noise and Cas glanced at him without thinking.  He saw Dean also sneaking a glance and he felt his face turn red, looking away again to concentrate on the landscape.

Dean cleared his throat, “You feeling better?”

Cas nodded, “I…” he hesitated, unsure what to say.  What did one say after acting so  _ weak? _

Dean must have heard the apology in his voice because he huffed, “Nothing to apologize for, Cas.  My dad is one of the strongest people I know.”

There was silence then Dean said, voice achingly careful, “You know, therapy really helped my dad.  The VA has been getting better about that kind of stuff, finally.”

Cas swallowed thickly and nodded, once.  They remained quiet for the rest of the trip.

 

* * *

 

When they finally made it to the showgrounds Dean helped Cas unload the horses, then started unloading the tack trunks.  When Cas moved to help him Dean shook his head, pushing the man lightly in the direction of the stalls.

“You unwrap the horses and make sure they’re settled, I got this,” Dean had a feeling that Cas could use some time alone with his horses.  Felt that helping the horses settle would help Cas settle too.

“You’re sure, Dean?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded and Cas looked at him a moment more then moved to the horses.

Dean continued unpacking the truck, getting everything organized then taking a few minutes to hang the curtains and farm name.  This was Cas’s first show back, they needed to have a presence.  He placed a coffee table and dragged comfy chairs out of the trailer, arranging everything to look like a cosy living room.  He filled a vase from the nearby hose and dropped fresh-cut flowers in, blue and white to match the blue and silver of the barn colors.  He hung some pictures he had pulled off the wall of the house then stepped back to examine his work.  

It was a little overboard.  Or maybe a lot overboard.  Most of the other stables Dean had checked out on the drive through the grounds only had the curtains and their barn name.  He rotated his shoulders to loosen them, thinking. Cas stepped up next to him and Dean glanced at him. Cas had his head tilted sideways, blue eyes moving to take in all of the details and Dean felt his cheeks warm at the scrutiny.

Finally Cas looked at him and smiled, “It looks great, Dean, thank you”

Dean grinned and clapped Cas on the shoulder, “Let’s go get Sparks ready for a ride, yeah?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas realizes that Dean is taking the expressway to get to the show and starts to panic with thoughts of his family dying and that the same will happen to Dean and his horses, leaving him alone again. Dean recognizes it, having seen his father have a panic attack and watching his mom talk John through it (John having served in Vietnam and seeing footage from the war). Dean then walks Cas through the panic attack and gets them off the expressway.
> 
> Also, I am SO SORRY for not updating in forever. I basically found out that I had something wrong with my brain. There was an 80% chance it was idiopathic (meaning no real reason for the symptom), a 15% chance I had a small tumor on my pituitary that would be pretty easy to treat and a 5% chance that I had a fairly large tumor on my hypothalamus which would be difficult to treat. I had to have a brain MRI and it really wasn't pleasant. Also the wait between having a brain MRI and waiting to hear if you have a brain tumor is INCREDIBLY long. Thankfully it's idiopathic and easily treated. However, it comes with fertility issues and since we've been trying to have a baby for about two years that made me fairly depressed. It's been fun. However, I promise that I won't abandon my fics. I'm almost done with the next chapter for my other story, and this one as well.


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